9 Things I’ll Miss About Trump

On January 20, 2021, Joe Biden became the 46 president of the United States of America and the world said goodbye to having Donald Trump as an elected official. Although there are many, many benefits to having someone else in charge of the nuclear codes, Trump did have a certain je ne sais quoi about him. Here are nine things I’ll really miss about having Donald Trump as president:

1. An Exemplary Model of a Healthy Father-Daughter Relationship

Remember when he said that he would want to have sex with Ivanka only if she wasn’t his daughter? Family Goals!

2. His Beauty Routine

The world just needs someone advertising an Oompa Loompa aesthetic. There is nothing chic-er than a striking pale line of skin exposed between the spray tan and hairline. Nothing.

3. Having a Reality TV Star Lead the United States of America

It just says so much about society. Plus, the additional plot twist of having the Reality TV star president then picking a battle with the media so intense that he’s eventually blocked from all social media sites? You just can’t take that kind of drama for granted.

4. The Giant Trump Baby Balloon

It’s art. Trump inspired many people for all the wrong reasons, but oh boy, did he prompt some incredibly creative public statements. Say what you want about the guy, but he must inspire some big feelings if someone spends the money to create a 20-foot helium-filled version of Trump’s infantilized likeness.

5. Melania’s Longing Looks at Trudeau

Look, Melania is no saint, but it must be difficult to know that you’ve sold your soul, body and privacy to an overgrown man-child that can barely string two coherent words together. It’s no wonder that she was dazzled by the Canadian Prime Minister who speaks two languages and has a full head of hair.

6. Learning New Dance Moves

Before Trump, I never would have busted out the “double hand job” to the YMCA at the club, but now I know how to look cool and hip. Truly, what did culture ever do before he was in the public eye?

7. Goya Advertisements

Beans have become my emotional support food, and before Donald and Ivanka’s endorsements, I had no idea which brand was the best. Thank god that Team Trump was able to provide very ethical and unbiased endorsements for Goya. Now, all my bean needs are met.

8. The Constant Sense of Surrealism

There’s just something so rare in finding a four-year period where the world increasingly resembles a dystopian novel that I would have loved to read in middle school. An armed group literally stormed the Capitol; that is straight out of The Hunger Games. You just don’t get that drama and stress when the leader of the United States is stable.

9. The History

In some ways, it’s truly an honour to have lived while the worst president in history (verified by Arnie!) wreaks havoc. In 50 years, imagine the poor saps in history class who will be learning about the years 2016 to 2020. We got to witness a level of incompetence that will forever be remembered, especially with that record-breaking second impeachment.

So long, Donnie; enjoy the swamp.