I am a virgin and I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of it. I’m not waiting until my wedding night, or until I’m done school, or until I feel “ready.”
The truth is, I’m ready now. I don’t have any expectations when it comes to my first time. I don’t expect it to change my life, or to feel like a different person. In fact, I assume my first time will be blundering and awkward. That being said, I am still a virgin, because I am waiting for something, or rather two things.
I know myself emotionally, and while I don’t expect sex to rock my world – pun intended – I do know that I need to be completely comfortable with the guy I’m with. To me, that means being in a relationship, possibly being in love. I don’t want to spend my first time wondering whether he notices all the stretch marks on my stomach, or how my face looks. I want to be sure that afterwards, there will be someone to talk to about it – because I am a person who talks. I know if I don’t find this guy, and just “get it over with” as many have suggested, I will be a wreck. And what could be a fun experience will be filled with anxiety, and I will be a mess afterwards.
I am also waiting for me to be okay with myself. I have insecurities piled on top of insecurities, as many people do. I want to overcome these issues first. I am okay with my body – but only when it’s clothed. I don’t have a healthy relationship with my naked self. I know that these issues come from years of struggle with my weight, and so I am doing something about it. I know that before I can begin to think about getting intimate with someone that I need to be in love with my body in every way I can.
I could have sex now. It would be easy. I no longer live with my parents – I could go to a bar, or log onto Tinder and just meet someone, and I could sleep with them. But I know I wouldn’t enjoy it – and sex is something I really want to enjoy.