Why are we so good at making excuses for assholes?
You’ve thought this through a million times. You’ve replayed that night over and over like an old black-and-white movie. You’ve analyzed it, picked it apart, hell, you can teach a course on it if you wanted to – so why can’t you just get over it? Why does his presence still cast over you like a dark shadow? He’s hateful, and you know that, but why is it so exhausting to hate him? The questions keep piling up until they’re suffocating you, and the hypoxia takes your mind to a state of delusion, to a world where he is not a villain, but simply misunderstood. You know you’re just fooling yourself, but still you can’t help but think….
Maybe I’m overreacting
You’re not. If you feel hurt, then you were hurt. Don’t invalidate your feelings to undermine what he did. He doesn’t deserve it.
Maybe he didn’t mean it.
If he didn’t mean to hurt you then he would have apologized. Better yet, if he cared about your feelings, he wouldn’t have done it. Don’t make excuses for him to make it seem like an accident. He doesn’t deserve it.
Maybe I was the one who did something wrong.
You didn’t, and you know that. You know that because he’s living his life perfectly fine while you spend every idle waking hour haunted by him. He’s not the victim, you are. Don’t blame yourself for his mistakes. He doesn’t deserve it.
Maybe I can fix this, if I can just get through to him.
You can’t fix this, because you can’t fix him. The part of him that made him cruel existed way before you came into his life. Don’t waste your time and energy trying to make him a better person. He doesn’t deserve it.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him.
Maybe you weren’t good enough for a deceiving, manipulative psychopath who took advantage of you. Maybe that’s the truth – but I highly doubt it. Don’t put him on the pedestal you built for him, not now that you know the truth. He doesn’t deserve it.
Bottom line is this: he doesn’t deserve you – but God, you wish he did. You wish he were the man you thought him to be, the one you fell for and pined after, the one he played so deceivingly well while slowly laying the foundation to what is ultimately just a great con. But here’s the thing – you may not have walked away unscathed, but you will heal. And when you do, you get to be wiser and stronger while he remains the same. You get to find happiness with someone who does deserve you, while he stays deserving of no one.
That day will come. But until then, there’s nothing you can do to keep from staying awake at night occupied by these foolish thoughts. Nothing you can do to make that day arrive sooner. All you can do is wait, and heal, and eventually, move on.