I don’t have much recollection of the following event, and I’m not sure if I should be thankful for that or not. Many women are haunted by what has happened to them and can recount every detail. I however, am left with an empty feeling, not entirely sure what took place that night, but know I am no longer the same because of it.
I remember waking up, in a strange room with a guy I went to high school with. I hated him my senior year and knew that the fact I was in what appeared to be his room was a bad sign. It felt like I was dreaming- I was still drunk when I woke up, and that’s never happened to me before. I quickly realized I was naked, and my body hurt. I got dressed, grabbed my belongings and made a beeline to my friend’s house. I told no one. I was so embarrassed, I didn’t know what happened and I had completely blacked out, which has never happened to me either.
To this day, 4 months later, I still have no idea what happened that night. The only thing I remember is drinking a whiskey sour, putting it down and grabbing it again, then everything is just blank. Like I’m trying to remember an event that never happened. It never crossed my mind that I was raped. Rape, when you said no, but the other person forced himself or herself on you anyway. So clearly this wasn’t rape, I was so drunk I could have given consent but may not have remembered? Wrong- if the person is incoherent and can’t make a conscious decision, then that’s rape. As the weeks went by, I found that I wasn’t acting the same even around my close guy friends. I was cautious, and it wasn’t intentional: I would flinch when a guy would touch me and the idea of getting drunk made my stomach hurt. I didn’t understand what happened, and I couldn’t- I was always the careful one. I never drank too much, I usually ended up taking care of my friends that had drank too much, and made sure that nothing bad happened to them. I’ve always had trust issues even before this happened, but now that I’m seeing someone, it’s hard to get too close to him. I don’t want to tell him anything about this because I don’t want him think of me as damaged. Or worse, think I’m coming up with this story to get attention.
Though only I can notice the subtle changes in myself that have happened since then, I still don’t feel like anything actually happened to me because I don’t remember anything. I went to counselling after the fact, but nothing really made a difference.
I encourage that if you or anyone you know has had something like this happen to them to report it right away. The few people I told blamed my friends for abandoning me and not looking after me. But usually that isn’t that problem. I don’t blame my friends; the only person I blame is the guy that did this. He knew I didn’t like him, and since high school, always chased me and tried to make a move and I would shut him down every time. There’s nothing I can do to change the past, so I’ve moved on from it mostly. Living every day as I would have before, and just focusing on my future the best I can.