I like you. I like hanging out with you. But I want more from this relationship than you do.
And that, I do not like.
“You deserve better.” That’s what my friends are always assuring me when I try to explain my boy problems to them. They see this relationship clearly for what it is, while I’m stumbling along blind to the reality: that you’re not ready for something more.
But I settled. I settled for what you wanted because I’m too weak to say no. I’m too weak to push for what I want because I don’t want to ruin your idea that I’m “chill.” Most importantly, I’m too scared to say no because I’m scared to lose what we have.
I’m happy when I’m with you. We laugh, we connect more than I’ve ever connected with anyone else, but that’s not the problem. The problem is when I’m not with you. Those moments I feel the most stressed because I know you’re with another girl.
Am I not good enough? Is there something more I can give that would make you forget about other girls? Because I would do that.
We’re on different pages right now. What you want and what I want are two separate things. So someone has to give. And that someone is me. But not anymore.
So this is my letter to you: the boy I settled for. It hurts to put this relationship to an end. It hurts that you couldn’t bring yourself to commit because you didn’t want to forfeit hooking up with any of the other girls out there. It hurts that I didn’t seem to be good enough.
What hurts the most is that while I dance and flirt with other boys, you’re still at the back of my mind. But when you’re with another girl, you don’t think twice about me. I make excuses for you because deep down, I know this isn’t worth it. I know I deserve better.
I deserve a boy who wants to be with me and only me. I shouldn’t have to share because “you’re not ready.” I have to start asking myself “What am I waiting for?”
So this is me letting you go. This is me coming to the realization that I am enough for someone, but it’s not you right now. And that’s okay.
Don’t ask me if this is what I want either. Because what I want and what I need to do are two different things. Sometimes I have to give up I want in order to see a better change in the future.
And who knows, maybe you and I will be on the same page one day. But I can’t sit around and wait for that day to come.
I don’t want to settle.
I don’t need to settle.
So this is not a goodbye. This is just a see you later.