Tinder is great because it means that I don’t even have to leave my house to have gross men make lewd comments about my body. Sometimes, when I match with a guy, they send me a message that makes me think, “this is why you’re single, creep!” Unfortunately, I have decorum, so instead of saying that, I usually report and block people. All of these Tinder messages are mine (I know, I’m a lucky girl!) and hopefully they will make people (guys) think a little bit when they’re on Tinder.
1. If you wouldn’t say it in person, don’t say it online!
I thought this went without saying, but online, people seem to think that everything that goes through their heads should be said and put in public.
2. Don’t ask for my Snapchat as your first message.
You’re going to send me unsolicited DPs. I do not want DPs of any kind. Therefore, I will not be giving you my Snapchat.
3. Your first message should not be “want to f*ck?”
No, random, Internet stranger. I do not want any part of you near any part of me. Like, at least pretend you’re interested in getting to know the people you’re sleeping with.
4. Don’t double text if I don’t respond.
Chill out, Salty Spice.
5. Do not compare me to an annoying TV character.
TWO PEOPLE on Tinder have said that I look like Janice from “Friends.” I look nothing like Janice from “Friends.” Is that really the right foot to start on, buddy?
6. Don’t say anything about my boobs.
Okay, here’s a game. You’re about to message a girl on Tinder. Instead of saying “You like dogs? So do I!” or literally anything else, you’ve settled on this winning first message: “Nice rack.” She doesn’t respond, because she is a human person and not a piece of meat. You ask yourself what you did wrong. Hint: it was starting the conversation by talking about my boobs!