I don’t want a best friend. I don’t want to put my faith in someone because I know that one of us will end up disappointing each other in one way or another.
At one point, all I ever wanted was a best friend. I just wanted that one girl I could tell everything to, the one that I could have deep conversations with but also make stupid jokes with. The girl that my parents could see as another daughter. The girl that I would always choose over some dumbass boy. The girl that I would confide in over everyone else. I wanted it so bad that I manipulated several old friends into thinking that’s what they wanted too. But it didn’t work because like everything else that’s forced, those friendships just turned to shit in the end.
I grew up and realized that having a best friend is similar to the concept of true love. It’s glorified in all kinds of media: TV shows, books, movies, Instagram quotes, you name it. Obviously it’s comforting to know that there’s just one other person out there that knows you so well, and sometimes even better than you know yourself.
But, there are implications when you get older. Your best friend isn’t going to write your resume. Your best friend isn’t going to work hard and study for you. Your best friend isn’t going to work out for you or take care of your mental health. That’s not her responsibility, but when you rely on someone so much you begin to forget who you are, your identity and where your capabilities lie.
Maybe I’m jaded or bitter in some sense, but accepting that it is okay to not have a best friend or even want one has been extremely freeing. It’s ironic because I never liked to be alone when I was younger. I always wanted to be surrounded by others. I wouldn’t do activities unless I could bring a friend along.
Now, I love being alone. I love experiencing new moments and events alone. I love to be in my thoughts and my feelings. Sometimes, it doesn’t feel reassuring that the only person I can 100 percent rely on is myself because I wish that someone would just save me or understand me. But, I also realize that it’s not necessary. There is something very powerful about someone who takes pride in only relying on themselves. In this way, you’re not left disappointed and you have no one to disappoint, especially when you or so called “best friend” gets a boyfriend.
This is not to say that I do not want close friends. I want trustworthy, quality friends around me just as much as everyone else, but I do not want one singular person to validate my self-worth. I do not want to title one singular person as a “best friend” because the title brings upon unrealistic expectations and can sometimes make others feel uncomfortable. And we all know third wheeling with two girls who are closer than you is much worse than third wheeling with an actual romantic couple.
I can only say all of this because I had a best friend at one point. A lot of things happened. A lot of terrible things and a lot of amazing things. I always felt like she wasn’t enough for me, and I was too much for her. Even when I had a best friend, I was still dissatisfied with the status of our friendship. I wanted a connection even deeper, someone who was just like me. But I realize now that I wasn’t even looking for a best friend, I was looking for a connection within myself. I was trying to find myself in her. I wanted someone to be the reflection of who I wanted to be.
However, after I got a boyfriend, she felt neglected. Our friendship waned; I went on to find another best friend. We went through the same stages as the last one. That ended after my boyfriend broke up with me. Then, I found another best friend. That ended after I stopped hanging out with our mutual friends.
So, I became tired and bored with trying. I also became more aware that something was missing on the inside; my internal self was screaming to be acknowledged. The one that wanted attention was me, and I wasn’t giving it to her. I was too occupied finding someone who “gets” me, when I wasn’t even taking the time to understand myself.
I’m still grateful for those friendships even if they ended, but I know that I don’t have the energy to maintain the demands of having a so called best friend anymore. I’m in a stage in my life where I’m too focused on myself to sacrifice my time or emotional capacity for anyone else. I always believed in the ideal concept that a best friend is someone who understands you on some molecular level, so I stopped looking externally because the only person that knows me so deeply is myself. I don’t want a best friend right now and maybe not ever because the only person I’m currently interested in fully investing in is myself.
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