The other night I was talking with some of my floormates in residence and I was explaining to them what Her Campus was. They were asking a bunch of questions and, at one point, my answer to one of those questions was “no, I’m just a writer.”
To that, one of the girls responded sarcastically, “oh yeah, you’re ‘just’ a writer” and it was that moment that it finally clicked. It occurred to me that, among all my social science and business major friends, I could do something that none of them could.
So, I am not “just” a writer. I am, simply, a writer.
It has taken me a long time to accept this conclusion and, even as I write those words, it still seems so foreign to me. Even when my mum gushed about my articles for Her Campus or essays for class, even when she told me about all of her friends and colleagues who told her how much they looked forward to reading all of my articles, I never believed her when she said that I would change the world with my writing.
Now, that statement does still seem a little far-fetched (sorry Mum!), but I’ve decided that, for the time being, I am going to try to believe it. I am going to stop doubting whether or not I can actually create something valuable and simply create it. I’ve realized over the years that I have a tendency to downplay all of my talents and accomplishments because of this irrational fear I have of rejection.
For as long as I can remember I’ve always worried that someone else will be able to do that thing better than me or they’ll get more credit for it than me or someone will simply tell me that what I do is insignificant because I’ve never pretended to like what everyone else does.
I’ve been in love with books for as long as I can remember and, I’ll admit, I briefly dreamed of creating a world as beautiful and magical as all of my favourite authors have. But, there was always that voice in the back of my head that told me I would never be able to live up to their impossibly high standards. I accepted that I would never be a writer and, instead, decided that I would devote my life to publishing; that way, I could still be a part of the world of books without the pressure of having to bring people to tears with my words.
While this is still my plan, and I don’t think I’ll realistically ever become a best-selling author, I would like to believe that writing will be a part of me for the rest of my life, whether it be writing a novel or articles for online magazines or even just writing to get my thoughts out on paper. I have realized that I don’t need to be an incredible writer like Jane Austen or Molly McAdams or Margaret Mitchell; I can just be an incredible writer like me.
Even if no one important, who could actually change my life because of my writing, believes this statement, I am going to go on believing in myself for once. For now, I am a writer. And, while I have no idea if this part of me will take me anywhere, while I may become a thousand other things before I find the right combination of all my capabilities, I know that I will never be “just” anything again.