1. Do not get drunk enough where you find it socially acceptable (and legal) to tell the bouncer that your ID is fake. The bouncer will not care that you are so used to referring to it as fake, that it never occurred to you it’s just supposed to be your “ID”
2. Do not get kicked out of one line then proceed to the VIP line and try to sneak by the bouncer that just kicked you out
3. Do not yell out the real name of your fellow underage friend who is about to get into the club, and then get increasingly angry when she acts like she has no idea who you are.
4. Do not then choose this as the venue for your real nineteenth birthday. This allows for grimy old men to hit on you and press their sweaty bodies uncomfortably close to you.
5. Actually, overall, just avoid Rouge/Gatsby/Whatever the club on Piccadilly that’s attached to a carpet store will be called in the future. It’s probably for your own good.
6. Do not bring a 26er of Smirnoff Vodka into the bar
7. Do not then proceed to chug it on the dance-floor. It doesn’t matter that it’s homecoming and that the bar is packed. The bouncer will definitely, definitely, see you and kick you out.
8. Do not move into a house with girls you only vaguely know. This may leave you with roommates who are either a) moody or b) sex-obsessed.
This will lead to A: lots of frustrated nights where you will be exposed to awkward silences, passive aggressive comments, and nights spent locked up in your room.
Or B: Very long nights in which you cannot sleep due to obnoxious and undesired panting, moaning, and/or groaning that proliferates throughout the house
9. Do not get too drunk at a pre and profess your love to a guy in your very, very small program. There’s a good chance he may think you’re crazy considering you barely ever talk, and it makes it incredibly awkward for the following 8 weeks where you see him in class and must strategically avoid eye contact with him.
10. Do not then give into the urge to shrink into the fetal position each class and curse yourself for being the disastrous you.
11. Do not (or at the very least try not) to get Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready every time you leave the bar. Although the garlic Parmesan dressing you can put on top is revolutionary, the morning after stomach-ache and trips to the bathroom are not worth it. Or at least not so frequently.
12. Do not adopt a hamster or any pet in a house full of absentminded young adults. Do not believe for one second that it is a good idea in any way. If five semi-responsible (but mostly irresponsible) girls cannot love and care for a hamster, don’t even think of going bigger than a small rodent.
13. If you do, however, decide to get a pet: Do not forget to feed him/her. There will be a common misconception that the other members of the house will feed and provide for her; this is not the case. If you see the water running low – help Viper out and refill it.
14. Do not bring it to the Ceeps on Thursday. AOTC may find you and your roommates dancing with your hamster and take copious amounts of pictures, causing your animal abuse to be posted on social media for the world to see (we still like to think Vipey had a good time though. Hamsters have to let loose sometimes too.
15. But most importantly, do not get an animal even if you are twice as responsible and much less neglectful.
16. Do not leave everything until the last minute. I know it’s human nature to put things off until we absolutely have to, but next time you’re binge watching Friends consider the two essays and six chapters you have to get done by next week. Thinking ahead will save you from the inevitable breakdown procrastination always guarantees.
17. Do not waste away your university. Do the absolute most you can, because trust me, it will fly by. You think four years is a long time, but before you know it it’s March of your final year and you realize you never went to any of your faculty’s events (which is always way less lame than you’d expect), you’ve only been to Prince Al’s once, and those cheesy ideas like going to the London Museum remain just that – ideas. Do as much as you can, and experience as much as you can – because your time is truly shorter than you think.
18. Do not be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Lord knows I have too many times to count, but I wouldn’t trade anything for my university experience. Furthermore, all those embarrassing mistakes you think are the end of the world at the time all pass.