*Editor’s Note: this is satire.*
Nearly every lady has experienced the stress that comes with a first date. What do you wear? What do you say? How often do you laugh? The movies make it look so easy.
Now, it’s your turn to sail through a rocky first date with ease! With these helpful universal first-date tips, backed by credible sources such as multiple romantic comedies and Cosmopolitan magazine, you’ll be sure to get a second date.
1. Make the guy pay.
So what if he just took you to a semi-fancy restaurant where they make you pay for the water? That’s not your problem. He’s the one that asked you on a date, so he’s the one that should pay—it’s only fair. If you feel at all guilty doing so, when the bill comes, reach for it slowly at the same time as he does. When he says, “Don’t worry, I got it” (and he will), that’s when you need to add a half-hearted “Are you sure? I really don’t mind.” But you do mind.
2. Play hard to get.
Okay, so he’s got you on this date. It’d be best to confuse him by scanning the room, checking the phone, and responding with “mhms” and the occasional verbal k-bomb—but be sure to intersperse these with bouts of enthusiastic laughter, an “OMG really?” and a game of footsies or two. He needs to know that you’ve got a lockdown on his emotions and you’re not afraid to use your power.
3. Laugh at all his jokes.
So what if he just made a joke that expressed his agreement with Trump about building a wall? He needs to know that you like him so laugh it up, girlfriend.
4. Emphasize your best assets through your clothing.
When women go on dates, it’s not enough to have already been asked out by the gentleman: you need to make like a model, put on makeup, and highlight all of the fatty parts that count. Throw on that see-through lace shirt without an undershirt. Toss on that pink skirt that your mom had in the eighties, the one with stripes of leopard print. If you don’t look like a baby prostitute, you’re doing something wrong. Ain’t no harm in looking beautiful, especially when your body is all that he’s interested in and all that counts.
5. Wear matching underwear.
Everyone knows that you will never get laid if you wear undies that don’t match. Pull out that matching lingerie set with the matching thong. Yes, you’re uncomfortable, and no, it may not boost your confidence like La Senza says they’re supposed to, but who cares? Gotta give the guy something good to see. It may be Victoria’s Secret, but it’s all for Victor’s enjoyment.
6. Wait for him to pick you up.
It’s not like you have a car or able means of transportation. Can’t have him thinking you’re a strong, independent woman that can get around on your own. We need to give him something to do to make him feel useful. Only single moms and homeless people ride the bus anyway.
7. Order a salad.
No man wants to date a woman who is going to be able to share his food with him or relish in the deliciousness of a well-cooked steak or save him some bank by getting the $10 burger special with him. You need to get a salad, look dainty as f*ck, and make sure it’s one of the more expensive salads on the menu.
8. Employ well-known flirtation techniques.
This is important because every man has the same taste in women. They all respond to the exact same flirtation tactics, so be sure to twirl your hair regardless of its length, blink sexily but without blinking too quickly, too slowly, or too frequently (don’t want him to think you’re trying to communicate in Morse code), and be sure to bite your lip, but only the side of your lip and with only certain teeth exposed, preferably the top row.
9. Let him be the one to ask for a second date.
You’re not allowed to express your own thoughts on how the date went. He holds all power and initiative. Your job is to respect that this is one of his manly rights. You don’t want to seem too forthcoming or easy, do you? Might scare him away with your forward nature.
10. Make him walk you up to your door at the end of the night.
Yes, let him get really close to your door so that it’s harder for you to turn him away when he hints at “coming in for a drink.” This is the only way that you can ever get that single parting kiss. Speaking of which…
11. Let him be the one to kiss you goodnight.
Because rather than consent and respect for other people’s boundaries, you should just wait until he assumes the time is right and desires a kiss and does the whole lean-on-the-door-with-one-arm-and-lean-in-really-close thing.
12. Invite him back to your place for a “nightcap.”
You have to. He just paid for your dinner. You gotta repay him somehow, especially if you don’t plan on seeing him again. Vagina and Trident Layers are said to be some of the best forms of currency.
13. Take everything he says at face value.
It’s not like he’s trying to up his kill count or anything. Of course he attended Harvard and Yale. Of course he turned down medical school to run a shelter for abandoned puppies. Of course he spent 48 hours in the middle of the ocean holding up three newborn babies with one hand and fighting off rabid sharks with the other. Sounds like your average classy man to me.
14. Let him open all doors for you.
Give him an excuse to check out your ass. If you’ve got it, flaunt it.
15. Make physical contact to show that you’re interested.
Because nothing says “I want to f*ck you” like gently grazing someone’s forearm. Touches on the shoulder and playful smacks to the arm, though over a very sensitive arterial vein, will do the trick.
16. Go to the “Ladies Room” in the middle of the meal.
This is key: make him miss you. Because three minutes of separation after meeting someone for the first or second time is enough to make someone desire your sweet, sweet presence.
17. Wait three days before you answer his calls.
And don’t even think about answering on the first ring. Three days is the magic number to making all relationships work. You don’t want to seem desperate, and you don’t want to him to give up. It’s this three days that makes everything you just did—from the gruesome pre-date preparation of shaving and primping to the awkward three hours you laid in bed the following morning, waiting for him to wake up so that you could ask him to go home—well, let’s just say it was worth it for a guy you would never dream of seeing again.