Tinder: a place to find the world’s most eligible bachelors. You know what you’re getting into. The no-pause, instant objectification of the “swipe” pulling you that much closer to the man of your dreams. How easy it is to “netflix and chill” or perhaps just “chill.” Most dates are somewhat less than memorable… However, there are a few interactions that linger just a bit longer. Perhaps it was the cleverness of your feminine guiles, the mere audacity of the situation or a simple creep overload. This collection of memoirs crafted from the most horrifying and hilarious Tinder moments has been made with contributions from the wildest of stories. Cozy up with a good glass of wine and get ready for a laugh.
1.The Fish Hook Nose Piercing
“I went home with a guy I met on Tinder and we started to make out very passionately. He was wearing a really cool fish hook necklace and as he was taking off my dress it got caught. In the heat of the moment, the dress tore off and it jammed into my nose, piercing it. At this point the fish hook was stuck, my dress was tangled up around me and the mood was somewhat less than steamy. For about fifteen minutes we untangled the fish hook and figured out that my nose was still OK. After that, because I’m not a quitter, we continued to hook up and he was VERY attentive after that.
That being said, I did make sure I was good to go with my tetanus shot the next morning.”
-(Now) an Alternative Punk
2. The Stalker
“I had a guy on Tinder find me at a bar and pull me aside to talk. I wasn’t interested but made the mistake of trying to be ‘nice’ and talk to him for a drink. In our small talk, I mentioned where I worked and what I was doing the next day (which happened to be a public street festival). The following day, the guy showed up to my booth and asked me out in front of my boss. I declined and was beyond creeped out. Some may have found this flattering, but I can assure you it was just plain crazy.
Word of advice: don’t give information to strangers.”
-Slightly Freaked Out
3. The Diaper Guy
“I went out with a guy off of Tinder who looked pretty cool. After a couple of standard coffee and drinks dates I went back to his place after dinner one night.He went upstairs first and I assumed that he was going to go quickly clean his room or something.
I went upstairs to find him in a blue and yellow star wars onesie, holding a teddy bear. Not really sure what to do, I sat on his bed. He put his arm around me and pulled me in for a cuddle, “alright that’s fine.” As I put my arm around his waist it made a crinkly sound. Then he announced he wanted to show me something. He stood up, removed the onesie and I kid you not, I was looking at a full grown adult male proudly wearing a children’s diaper.
‘Isn’t it hot?’
I didn’t respond as I was already heading for the door, ‘I gotta go.'”
4. The Alarming Blow Job
“I was hooking up with a Tinder guy in his car after a date and got a little carried away. We were parked in my residential neighbourhood and things were getting very Titanic-y. After going down on him, I leaned out of the car to cleanse my mouth and promptly set the car alarm off. All of a sudden I panicked as all the lights around us started to turn on. I jumped out of the car said and left him trousers down in the middle of a neighbourhood audience.”
5. The Power Move
I went home with a guy off Tinder after getting blackout; I don’t remember much. That night, after God knows what happened, I had a very vivid dream that I had found the bathroom.
The next morning I woke up more hungover than ever and rolled over to find what’s-his-name looking at me with a gaze that was an alarming mix of horrified and disgusted. I stumbled out of bed looking for some kind of clothing items, thighhighs, skirt… OH.
The dream from the night before came back and it dawned on me. I smelled something slightly acidic and knew exactly what had happened. Quickly zipping up the thigh-high I smiled and decided this would be a good moment to ‘GTFO.’
Urinating on a one-night’s floor, that’s a power move.”
– P. Diddly
6. Keeping it in the Family
“I met one guy on Tinder and slept with him. Soon after, I found a new hottie and went home with him. The next morning one of his roommates recognized my boots that I had left out. After an awkward run-in with the first guy I found out they were roommates and brothers.”
– Family Oriented
7. TA Lovin’
“When I was in first year I used Tinder and matched with my TA. The semester had just ended, so I gave him my number with no intention of ever meeting him again. We texted for a bit, but I eventually stopped answering as he came on pretty strong and was much older. A week after I had stopped he sat beside me on the bus – awkward!”
– Teacher’s Pet
8. The Rock Collector
“I went home with a Tinder guy and instead of foreplay he showed me his rock collection. He spent about an hour explaining the different kinds of marble etc. that he had collected.”
– Earth Rocks
9. Karaoke Gone Wrong
“One Tinder date thought it would be fun to go to karaoke. He ended up taking me to a sketch-ball karaoke bar where we were the only english-speaking participants. Inside there was a private karaoke booth surrounded by many karaoke enthusiasts. He wanted to go in and sing a song… not only was he a terrible voice-cracky soprano, but he attempted to try to have sex with me afterwards. Great move.”
10. The Coffee Pimp
“I went on a ‘first date’ with a Tinder guy and it went well, so we kept talking. A few nights after the coffee date he called me drunk, crying about his ex girlfriend and how a girl at the bar had rejected him. The very emotional guy reasoned that because he had paid for my two dollar coffee earlier that week that it was my duty to come over. Apparently, a coffee date is the new serious relationship.”
11. The Attitude Adjustment
12. Annnndd the best line of all.