Let’s get one thing straight, okay—I do not hate the city bus. I actually sometimes really appreciate the 40 year (ok, 40 minute) ride across Earth (ok, across London) because it’s a good time to just sit, quiet the mind, listen to music and plan the rest of my day/afternoon/evening etc. HOWEVER, lurking on the city bus are 10 kinds of people that make me want to throw things:
1. The Excessive Seat Taker
If anything of yours besides your rear end is taking up a seat, consider me livid. Too many times I’ve been city bus surfing, gripping the bar or the stupid grey handle thingies trying not to fly through the windshield because the bus is so full and everyone is standing—and someone will have their backpack taking up a seat. PUT IT ON THE FLOOR. PUT IT IN YOUR LAP. WEAR IT ON YOUR BACK. BALANCE IT ON YOUR HEAD. I don’t care. But don’t give it a seat.
2. The Person Who Doesn’t Read
Ok, the bus handles actually give instructions on how to open the door. It literally says, on a bright yellow sticker, how to open the door. You don’t put your pinky on it; you don’t wait for the driver to open it. Your magic mind powers won’t open it. You just lay your hands on it. I don’t mean touching it repeatedly with the slightest, fleeting amount of pressure every ten seconds until you give up. I don’t mean swatting at it like a feral animal. I mean firmly laying your hands on the designated area until the doors open.
3. The Bus Driver Who Watches You Struggle
Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I showed up at my part-time job (it’s at a gym) and I just watched people struggle. Oh, you can’t seem to find the machine you’re looking for? Allow me to sit here and watch you explore, Dora. You aren’t sure what the membership rates are? How about I sit back and you can guess—just make sure you give me a slight look of confusion every now and then so I know you’re struggling. Does this remind you of anyone? How about NEARLY EVERY BUS DRIVER IN LONDON. Sometimes the stupid door doesn’t open even when you lay your hands on the bars worship-style. There’s always that one bus driver that just sits and watches you struggle through that stupid rectangular mirror despite the fact that he has a BUTTON that would OPEN it at ANY MOMENT.
4. The Loudest Phone Call Taker Ever
Picture this: It’s a quiet night. Your professor just spent three hours explaining their personal experiences with each and every concept you have encountered in the textbook and you didn’t get a break. Finally, you are on the city bus. It’s relatively empty, late at night, your headphones are in and the bus driver has those awful lights kind of dimmed. But, then, Satan gets on the bus mid phone-call, and suddenly you know all about cousin Sean who got arrested again and forgot to grab eggs from the grocery store first who was dating that one girl that cousin Bob took to prom… If I can hear you over my music, there’s a good chance I hate you. And Sean. And Bob.
5. The Line Skipper
Every Tuesday specifically, I line up with apparently all of London at the bus stop. For some reason, this day is particularly busy. Not only is there always a line, but there is always this one sh*tty human being who decides to walk his butt to the front of the line despite not having stood there losing the sweet warmth of body heat for the last 20 minutes. This person will just shove his way to the front of the line, sit down on some prime real estate (the bus seats) whilst other people stand and freeze because the bus they waited for for 20 minutes was full.
7. The Reserved Seat Rat
If the sweetest, oldest woman you’ve ever seen comes onto the bus and you are in a reserved seat and you don’t move, you are a rat. You suck. There are one thousand other ways that you could occupy a space on the bus. Find another seat. Stand. Lay down in the walkway. Sit on the bus driver’s lap—I don’t care. But get out of the way.
8. The Empty Seat Hogger
This is the person who stands right in the way of an empty seat and DOESN’T SIT DOWN IN IT. So not only are they wasting a perfectly open and unused seat, but they are directly in the way so nobody else can sit down in it. If you do this, I will literally break my neck trying to look you in the eye so I can gesture to the empty seat that my ass will take up if you won’t. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY.
9. The Bus Driver Who Doesn’t Let You In When You’re Standing Practically In The Bus
We’ve all done that full tilt sprint where we end up at the bus doors just as they close, and the bus driver looks you RIGHT IN THE EYEBALL and proceeds to sit at a stop sign/light/stop for a moment before NOT LETTING YOU ON THE BUS. Despite the fact that you are literally nose-to-glass with the bus door, ready to get on, ready to be a passenger, ready to go home on time for once, and they still won’t let you on. Yes, I know I am dirt and not on time for anything. Yes, I know I do this everyday (mostly at Natural Science because trying to get around students when you’re running is some corn-maze type sh*t). But, come on.
10. The Person Who Watches You Sprint Like Usain Bolt and DOESN’T HELP YOU
Worse than the bus driver who won’t let you on even when you just barely make it: the creature who doesn’t help in this situation. Picture this: you have freshly wet hair from your shower, you grabbed your backpack and ran out the door. You’re running as fast as you can in the negative 1000 degree weather, and you spot the bus. Then, you look at someone who is ON the bus dead in the eye. You literally stare into the black abyss of their pupils. They know you are running, they know you obviously aren’t a track star, they are comfy and warm on the bus. All they have to do is give the driver a heads up that you are knees-to-chest full tilt flying down the street trying to make it on time. Instead, THEY WATCH YOU RUN AND SAY NOTHING. WORST.
11. The Headphone-Ignoring Monster
When I put my headphones in on the bus, I am signing up for a musical escape from the following things:
People making noise
Thinking about life
Thinking about school
Thinking about my 17 hour bus ride
Do not talk to me
If you do talk to me, and I answer and follow with putting my headphones in, DISCONTINUE CONVERSATION
Unless you plan on personally singing me the sweet tunes of Beyonce for my entire bus ride, you are not what I would like to hear right now
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