For those of you who have driven around London—and I mean gotten behind the wheel and controlled the car yourself—you will understand when I say that London drivers are the absolute worst. Those of you from smaller towns or cities are brave souls for merging yourselves into London traffic. Even though I’m a born and raised Londoner, every time I turn off of my quiet crescent, I inwardly say, “Will this be the last time I drive my little Toyota?”
In reality, I can think of a million reasons why London drivers are terrible. But today, I bring to you nine reasons why London drivers are the absolute worst kind of drivers to encounter.
1. Check Out That Rear!
London drivers are notorious for tailgating—even if you’re driving over the speed limit. I would just like to say that riding up the ass of my vehicle isn’t going to make me drive faster; if anything, I’m going to slow down just out of spite. Unfortunately, as irritating as it is, tailgating is inevitable (at least in London), so be prepared to have a lot of people checking out your rear (very closely) as you drive down the street.
2. The Rolling Stop (One of my favourites)
Is it a thing to come to a complete pause at stop signs? It’s definitely not here in London. I don’t know if people just miss the sign (which I think is BS, considering it’s bright red) or if they choose to ignore the instruction; either way, stop signs are usually neglected. I think it’d be more appropriate for the city to change ‘stop’ to ‘rolling stop,’ since no Londoner actually stops. It’s pretty fun to watch people drive halfway through an intersection, only to stop in the middle at the last second. Seriously, if you’ve gotten that far, just keep going—you’re only embarrassing yourself more.
3. Green Means “Go!” Yellow Means “Go faster!”
Although in every driving manual we are given a strict explanation of the three streetlight colours, Londoners tend to make up their own rules. While green means “go,” yellow means, “Let’s speed up so I can make the light—even though I’m 100m away!” If you’re turning left at an intersection, please, please, please stay put until you know for sure that the person coming towards you is going to stop. Without a doubt, there will always be that one prick who insists on gunning it through the yellow light.
4. The Weave
These are my favourite people—the ones who make it a point to weave in and out of rush-hour traffic. Some Londoners have just become way too cocky behind the wheel; unfortunately, it’s the good drivers that pay for it.
5. What’s An Indicator?
Guess what Londoners—indicators are there for a reason! Driving 101: Always signal before making a turn or lane change. Common sense, right? Wrong. Apparently London drivers have never heard of an indicator, and if they have, they ignore them completely. I couldn’t tell you how many close-calls I’ve had, as well as witnessed, because so many drivers neglect to signal.
6. They’re Called Blind Spots for a Reason
You know when they tell us we’re supposed to check over our shoulder before making a lane change or turn? News flash, London—that’s some crucial advice! You can’t go through life not checking your blind spots, so just do it. Please.
7. RIP Orange Pylon
Construction in London is a nightmare, especially during spring and summer. Unfortunately, with construction comes detours, and with detours come idiot drivers. Once there’s a construction zone in place, it’s like everyone forgets how to drive. Pay attention to the signs (and here’s another idea, actually learn what the signs mean), because they actually tell you exactly what to expect. And to those of you who knock over the orange pylons, just know that I’m silently judging you.
8. Inappropriate Hand Gestures Are Common
Londoners have some serious road rage (and I’m 100% guilty of this). If you piss off a London driver, they will one hundred and ten percent let you know that you’ve royally pissed them off. This anger is typically expressed through aggressive hand gestures—particularly the middle finger.
9. Excessive Honking
Reiterating London’s road rage, drivers just love to wail on the horn—for absolutely no reason. My personal favourite is when you’re waiting to turn left and the driver behind you repeatedly punches their horn because you’re not turning when they think you should be. If I don’t feel safe turning, I’m not going to turn. Wailing your horn at me isn’t going to change my mind, so stop being an ass.
10. Tommy Texters
I know a lot of you do it. When you’re sitting at a red light and you’re looking down at your lap, everyone knows you’re looking at your phone—at least, that’s what I’m going to assume, because the alternative is a little weird. Either way, don’t think you’re being discreet about it; there is nothing more obvious and irritating than a Tommy texter.