Let’s just get one thing straight: being in a relationship does not mean you are entitled to sex whenever you please. Even while in a relationship, sex must be wanted by both parties, and both must give their consent before anything happens. It’s that simple.
Unfortunately, there seems to be an intense misunderstanding of what consent actually means. According to the online Oxford Dictionary, consent is defined as “voluntary agreement to or acquiescence in what another proposes or desires; compliance, concurrence, permission.” For example, your partner turns to you and asks, “Do you want to have sex?” You answer with, “yes.” This is consent.
So, when you and your partner are lying in bed, they are by no means entitled to assume that you want to have sex with them; not unless you say that magical three-lettered word. “I guess” or “I don’t know” or “I’m not really in the mood” is not code for “they really mean yes; I just have to keep asking.” It also doesn’t mean you can start taking off their pants, or putting your hand up their shirt. If they seem at all hesitant or unconfident in their response, you’re better off assuming it to be a no.
There is also the issue of people not giving their partner the chance to consent. When discussing this problem, an anonymous interviewee revealed her own experience: “A little while back my partner and I were at my place, and before I even knew what was happening, he had pushed me down into the bed and ripped off my pants. I didn’t have the time to say no—it all happened so quickly. I had to push him off me and tell him to stop. I could see right away the pain and shame on his face. I don’t think he meant to be aggressive, he’s just much larger and stronger than I am, so I felt a little weak.”
This is one of the difficult things about relationships—your partner typically does not mean to intentionally hurt or violate you. They see their actions as loving and passionate, not as dangerous and irresponsible, and because of this, the other partner may feel bad for telling them no. But it’s extremely important to understand that when your partner makes you feel pressured, weak, uncomfortable, or any other negative reaction, you have every right to say that strong two-lettered word.
Consent within a relationship is just as important as consent outside of one. No matter the circumstance, if your partner says no, they mean no. This doesn’t just mean sex, either; this goes for any other sexual act. If your partner is kissing your chest or stomach, and you begin pushing their head down farther, they have every right to tell you to stop. But sometimes, they may not outwardly tell you they don’t want to do something—it’s your responsibility to read their cues and body language to determine how they’re feeling. If you’re pulling your pants down and your partner isn’t making a move, don’t ignore these signs so you can get off. By doing things like this not only are you taking away your partner’s right to consent, you may also be ruining their sexual experience.
Being in a relationship isn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card; you still need your partner’s consent. End of story.