The exchange experience is certainly packaged as a life-altering, unforgettable opportunity of self-exploration, advertised with a highlight reel of beautiful cities, foreign languages and international friendships. But what happens when you get to your exchange city and immediately feel miserable? I only just got here and already I want to go home. Is this just culture shock or is exchange really not for me?
It’s not even that I miss people back home – I do, obviously – but it’s more than that. I convinced myself for so long that this was something I really wanted to do, I never really thought about if that was the truth. Now that I’m here, I’ve convinced myself it’s not. If I wake up every morning with a deep feeling of dread and panic, am I really meant to be here?
My accommodations are nicer than expected. The school is massive. The city is gorgeous. Everyone is really friendly and willing to help. But something just feels wrong. I’ve never felt so out of place before, never felt so trapped.
I knew this was going to be hard at first. I mean, I’m from a small town in Ontario; culture shock was inevitable. But every new advancement in my experience here just makes me want to go home even more. I found the grocery store near my house but everything they do have is overpriced and undersized. I made it to campus to register for courses but the course outlines are confusing and complicated. Instead of feeling more and more comfortable, I’m pulling further and further away.
Everyone just keeps telling me to wait it out. It’ll get better. I just need to get settled and meet some people. But with every hour that passes I get more and more antsy. I try to go out and explore the city and I see that it’s beautiful but it’s not enough. This has become a place I would love to come back to one day, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to be here right now.
Everything about this experience has made me so uncomfortable; I feel like I’m in a constant state of panic. I’m six hours ahead of my family back home; by the time they wake up and get their day started, I’m getting ready to settle in for the night. I didn’t expect this to bother me so much, but I find myself checking the world clock 21937 times a day wishing I were back in my own time. “What would I be doing right now if I were home?”
It’s true that going on an exchange forces you to “find yourself.” For me, I’ve come to realize how much I love my life back home. It’s easy to take the most mundane things for granted but I would kill to have them all back right now. I don’t know if I will regret leaving my exchange early. I don’t even know if that’s an option, but sometimes you just have to do what’s right for you and at this point, I don’t think staying here is right for me.
I hate that this didn’t work out like I hoped it would, I hate that it has to be me that failed this experience. I’m supposed to be the adventurous one. I was supposed to come home freshly cultured, fluent in a new language. I was going to make friends all over the world and flirt with locals and travel across Europe. But I got lost on my way from the airport and I still haven’t found myself again.