As an out-of-state student, I spend the majority of my school year in West Chester at my apartment so that I can be close to campus for classes and work. I live four and a half hours away from campus so I do not go home much during the year. When I was a freshman, I went home for Thanksgiving, winter break, spring break, and at the close of the spring semester. I love going to school out-of-state but I was obviously excited to go home to visit old friends and spend some time at my house with my family.
The first time I went home from college, I was expecting to feel relaxed to be back in my space. I was not anticipating the culture shock that I felt the minute I stepped back into my house. Walking into my old bedroom, the room that was my high school sanctuary, felt like walking into a stranger’s room. My walls were covered in posters, awards, and high school memories. It felt bizarre to try to slip back into the person who lived in that room and it made me feel so uncomfortable to recognize I was no longer the same person I was when I graduated from high school.
I was in a little bit of a personality crisis though because I thought, what if my friends do not like the person I have become? What if we do not fit anymore in our friendship? What if I have changed for the worse and become someone that I never wanted to be at all? I knew that trying to be who I did not feel right, so I needed to figure out why and what to do about it to realign myself.
After I left home to go back to school after Thanksgiving, walking back into my dorm was like a breath of fresh air again. I don’t think I realized at the time that it was because I was back in a space that felt more like the me that had changed and was still changing. I was constantly moving stuff around and had limited decor in my room so it felt like a peaceful place to study, hang out, and sleep. I realized that this is what I need to get out of every space that is ‘mine’ and that is what was missing in my bedroom at home.
When I went back for winter break, I took everything off of my walls and moved all of my furniture, clothes, decor, and just about everything else out of my room. I felt like I needed to start over and since I had some time to be home for a few weeks, I would not have to worry about needing to leave in the middle of my project and leaving my room a disorganized mess. I am at my best when I am in a clean and organized space, surrounded by things that make me feel at peace and comfortable. As I went through everything, I only brought things back into my room if I needed them or if they fit with who I am becoming. All of the old posters, decor, and memories were either donated, thrown away, or put aside in a tote in my closet so that I could hold onto them for a bit longer but not have to see them everyday.
I transformed my space into something that felt way more mature and simple. I embraced more of the open space and neutral colors of my room. I moved my furniture around to make it feel more like a brand new space that was my own. Things have been moved around a bit and changed here and there as more years go by but I think throughout my college years, I have developed a better sense of who I am, and what I want to see and welcome into my space.
As a third-year college student now, I look back at those panicked and uncomfortable moments and laugh. I laugh because what felt like a culture shock to come home and see, really just opened me up to growing and creating a place that made me and the person I am today happy. I have different friends, different dreams, and different loves than what I had when I was a high school student, so of course I have a different aesthetic and different things that I want to see around myself everyday.
I knew that college would change me but I never expected it to make me uncomfortable to be my new self in my old space. My concept of ‘home’ includes a completely different place than it did but it’s my own. I have also learned that while I have changed, so have most of my friends and friendships. The person that some of my friends wanted and expected me to be wasn’t necessarily lost, but had grown into someone who I thought was better. We fit differently than we did before but I have mastered an appreciation for knowing that when I go back to my hometown, I still have friends and family that make me feel comfortable and happy.