The last time we crossed paths, I was 16. There I was, practically falling over myself to get out of your car, running up to my house. I was late to my sweet sixteen parties, and you weren’t invited. Does it bother you? It’s been almost 5 years and I still have yet to determine the answer. People ask me what it’s been like having no contact with a parent for so long – I always give the same answer.
“Imagine losing your favorite pen. Once you come to realize that it’s missing, you have a moment of flustered frustration as you look for it. It can’t really be gone, can it? Then, being slightly disappointed that it is in fact gone, you move on. After all, it was just a pen.”
I have to spend a good portion of my life trying to come to terms with the fact that although I could have turned myself inside out time and time again for your praise, it never came. It can be hard to understand how someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally has no desire to even provide for your basic needs. There are days when I wonder how I am worthy of the love of others when you could not give me yours.
There are days when I feel broken – feeling lost but not sure what I am even searching for. Other days I remind myself that it is not fair. It was never fair. All these years you have been less than reliable, so your complete nonexistence should be easy, right? After all the problems you’ve caused, some would even say the grass is greener now that I am free. But a part of me always wants to know…do you ever wonder who I’ve become?
Since you decided to walk away, I have grown into myself. I have had numerous guys show me what it means to be truly loved. I am quirky, funny, and very outspoken. I rarely take no for an answer, and always speak up for what I believe in. In high school I was voted the captain of my high school dance team and got accepted into every college I applied to. I raised money for women in foreign countries, danced on national television, and have even become a published author. I have made so many new friends that share my life view, and continue to surround myself with all of their love and support.
I am 20 and a college junior now. I joined a sorority and have met women that are the most incredible sisters I could ever ask for. I have fallen in love with the greek community and have served as the Vice President of my chapter. Now I am currently the Vice President of Standards for the Panhellenic Council. I juggle upwards of three jobs at any given time and have found a guy that would move heaven and earth on my behalf. I decided I wanted more out of my education, and have put myself on track to complete my master’s degree early through an accelerated program.
Every experience I have had, every obstacle I have faced, and every success I have earned has been mine and mine alone. Every step forward I have taken is just another reminder that just because you may not see my worth does not mean I deserve anything less than the world. Your approval does not determine my happiness anymore. I hope that one day you see that your disinterest and self-preservation have only made me stronger. Maybe, you’ll even see what an incredible daughter I was and always have been.
For now, I will ask you again: Have you wondered what I have become?
You should.