I like to think of every first date as a lesson. First dates teach you something about yourself or somebody else that helps you to make more educated choices in the future. What comes after a first date is often the most important though which is what you tell your friends and yourself that can help you determine whether a second date is in your future. Finding someone who is the right person for you can be as simple as love at first sight, but that is usually not the case. In our age of dating apps, blind dates, and friend set-ups, knowing how to be introspective after a first date can be difficult. Consider these interrogatories after your date and figure out what is right for you.
Did I have fun because they were there or because I was there?
This question was not something I came up with myself. A good friend asked me this after a recent first date of mine, and it made me think. Was I interested in what my date was saying? Did they make me laugh? Did they seem smart to me? These are all things I consider as needs in a partner, and a first date is often a good teller of if the person you are with checks your boxes or not.
I am well-known in my circle of friends for being someone who can pretty much start a conversation with anyone. One of my roommates even says that I could talk to a wall and have a great time, just because I can always find something to say and will listen to pretty much anything anyone says. This question of the source of the fun on your date will help you decide if it was you putting in all of the work to keep yourself engaged or if your date was doing the same amount of engagement.
How did our conversation go?
Communication is one of the most important pillars of any relationship, regardless of stage. It is always important to me to be around effective communicators in my past relationships so that if there is a problem, we can talk it out and feel comfortable sharing. A great way to facilitate conversation is with questions.
If you are the one putting all of the work into keeping a conversation flowing, it can feel one-sided and pressuring. You want to make sure that the conversation is evenly distributed, and you are both contributing. Using open-ended questions will hopefully help get the other person you are meeting to open up or share stories, things you may be able to relate too as well. This tactic will give you some common ground.
It is also important that you felt listened to after the conversations you engaged in. Poor communication can lead to problems in your later relationships, and the worst element of a poor communicator is a poor listener. If your date is right for you, you will have felt good about your sharing and that they mutually were interested in what you had to say, not just interested in what they had to say to you.
Are they available? Am I?
This question is one of both emotional and physical nature. Trying to plan around long-distance, work schedules, or emotional readiness is difficult for anyone in the initial stages of a relationship. You need to be honest with yourself and consider if it is the right time for you to be putting your time and work into someone else. Being healthy in a relationship is knowing how to balance your energy between yourself and those around you, and if you are not feeling right about something happening, then there is probably something wrong.
One of the best things to know when you are on a first date is what the other person’s plan is. If you are with someone looking for a serious relationship and you are not, be honest with them and yourself in communicating what you are looking for out of a relationship. Not every date is going to be perfect, and it is better to figure that out during the first date tas opposed to the fifth or sixth.
You should never feel like you are forcing a relationship to work because chances are, that kind of relationship will not work. The best way to start any relationship is to be completely honest from the get-go. If there is no spark on the first date, maybe there will be on a first date with someone else. Give yourself time and be patient. Not every first date will be perfect, but every first date allows you to learn about yourself and what you want and need.