My summer was a lot of things. It was new and strange and hard. I felt like I was constantly at war with myself, forcing my skin to stretch into a body that I couldn’t recognize anymore, and I hated it. I spent the summer fighting with parts of myself that felt like only God could love, ones that it still feels like I can only touch with shame. I let my summer be centered around anger and frustration at situations that I can’t scrub off in the shower no matter how red my skin gets. My summer was hard, but it was filled with change and hurt and a whole lot of love.Â
After a really hard day, I remember talking to my boyfriend about how junior year was going to be so unbelievably transformational. I wasn’t really sure in what ways, but I just knew so strongly that the universe was going to explode in my face. Maybe it was Mercury moving into retrograde, me being a Scorpio Venus, or whatever! I knew there was this insane karmic change coming for me, and that the universe didn’t care if I wanted to meet her or not.Â
And not to be a total Scorpio and be like, yeah I was right…but yeah no I was right. So unfortunately and uncomfortably right. I’m losing people I thought would help me figure out who I am forever. I’m struggling with a kind of loneliness that makes me forget what I’m worth. I’m constantly sitting next to bodies of water praying I’ll find some kind of answer at the bottom of them. And even though I knew, I KNEW! That this year was about to literally try and stomp on me, I’m still so surprised about how hard it’s hitting me.Â
All in all, this year has got me feeling like a bum. Yes, B. U. M. Bum. And I don’t mean bum in the way that I’m letting my assignments pile up or that I have a screen time of eleven hours a day. Because bums gotta get that degree too! I mean bum in the way that no matter what I do I can’t grab onto anything in my life right now. I think I can finally stand still and catch my breath and then the universe will give me another reason to scream and cry to SZA. No matter how hard I try to make sense of this time in my life, I literally just can’t. I don’t know why certain people don’t have love for me anymore and I don’t know why no rush lasts long enough and I don’t know why no matter what I do, nothing feels good enough for anyone, not even for myself. I keep trying to get my life right, to have faith and trust in not just the universe, but me!
Because if you can’t trust in yourself then what’s the point of anything? Right now I just feel like the biggest bum ever. Lately all I know how to do is cry and be angry and lose myself. And listen to CTRL on repeat but that’s kinda just part of being 20. Last year I wrote an article about turning 20 and what that meant for me. I had all these expectations about what I thought my 20 something’s would look like and what kind of person I’d be. Everybody tells you this time in your life is meant to be like a rebirth. But it’s hard accepting that when I’m not sure how much I like the person I am right now. Remembering to love myself through every season of my journey is so !??!!Â
So far, my 20’s has been one giant growing pain. I’m about to turn 21 next month, and the only birthday gift I want this year is for everyone, the universe included, to chill on me.