I am coming to realize that carrying the anger that people who have harmed me thrust upon me has been breaking and controlling me. I tried to hide it by attempting to feel extremely happy, by constantly smiling, burying my burdens, and ignoring the painful emotions by burying my emotions further down. For many years, I was so emotionally numb that I was unable to cry even during extremely tough times. Throughout my life, I had to constantly move on because I rarely had a break from going through events in my life that emotionally tore me down. The minute I tried to heal from one traumatic event, another traumatic event occurred. I had to adapt and learn how to heal from an issue that occurred in the past while going through a current problem.
I have been listening to Buddhist music to try to dig up emotions that have piled up for many years and never had the chance to be gently nurtured. The music has the sound of rushing water in the background. While listening to this music, I forgive the people who hurt me, by saying in my mind, “I forgive you and I pray that you find peace, so that you never do to someone else what you did to me.” Then, I tell myself, “I forgive myself for any pain I caused other people when I allowed my pain to control me, and I will use my past mistakes to reflect on how I can become a better person.”
I like to believe that no human being is a bad or a good person, but is comprised of our bad and good actions. The perception that we have of ourselves can influence how we treat other people, including ourselves.
If you are harming people intentionally, I hope that you self-evaluate to find ways to stop hurting them and channel your pain into finding peace, such as by creating artwork that expresses how you feel. You also might be unintentionally harming someone, so you should reflect on whether any interactions you had caused anyone emotional pain. If you recognize any reactions that people showed you while interacting with them, you should contemplate about how you can improve yourself, so these issues don’t recur. A great strategy to help you self-reflect is to listen to Buddhist music because it could help calm your mind. Through this, you can begin the journey of self-forgiveness and becoming a person who treats other people with respect.
I hope you can acknowledge your actions that hurt other people and forgive yourself. I know that this can be difficult, so please give yourself grace and take your time as you heal.