Breakups are not a novel topic. There are plenty of websites, advice columns and articles out there that have been written to help us all heal our grieving hearts. What is more seldom discussed within the realm of breakup advice, however, is how one heals after ending a fairly long-term relationship.
Whether you were the dumper or the dumpee, nothing about ending a lengthy relationship feels great, even if it was completely necessary. The question then stands, how do we heal and get over the one person we have been with for a large chunk of time?
While it may not look entirely the same as ending and getting over a shorter relationship, there are definite strategies that can be applied to stop wallowing in sorrow after you sever ties with someone you thought to be permanent in your life. What is important to remember is that you are exactly where you need to be, you have all the time in the world to heal, and the sadness you are feeling never lasts forever.
Here are three simple things you can do that will hopefully make that healing come quicker and the sadness feels shorter-lived.
1. Utilize the time and space you have to yourself that you didn’t have before:
When you’re in a relationship, sometimes you don’t realize just how much time and energy is spent maintaining a said relationship. Consider a breakup a gift of time. You are no longer responsible for being a good partner, which can be very liberating if you were half of a couple for any great length of time.
Even though you might be hurting, it is silly not to take advantage of your newly acquired freedoms. At this point, you have no one you have to be loyal to, no one who’s texts and phone calls you must return, no one depending on you to make time to see them.
So, flirt with other people, go out with your friends, dance with strangers. Have safe, consensual experiences and be your most carefree, wild self, rest assured that no one is going to be hurt by your actions.
2. Make a list of the “wants” and “don’t want” for your next relationship:
When something is over, it can be really easy to glorify the whole experience, making you feel sad or regretful to have lost it. It is important to keep reminding yourself that the person you were with inevitably had faults, as we all do, and that maybe those faults even contributed to the demise of the relationship.
Moving forward, something incredibly productive and healing you can do is create a list of the qualities you did and did not enjoy about the person you were with. This can help you better determine who you allow in your life in the future, whether that be a romantic relationship or even just a friendship.
Telling someone to dwell on the negative isn’t necessarily always the best advice, but in this instance, I would say that it makes sense. It’s great if you can look back at the relationship fondly, but to avoid staying hung up on the person, it can be really helpful to recognize their flaws as you try to move on.
3. Cut off ALL communication:
This seems super extreme, but trust me, it’s important. Post-breakup, one, if not both of you, may feel super tempted to continue reaching out to the other person. It may be framed innocently, but the fact of the matter is that it is not helpful for either party. It only serves as a reminder of the relationship that you are trying to move on from.
Now it is all good and well to be friends with an ex, in fact, it can be a great thing. But immediately following a breakup, you need space before trying to be in each other’s lives again. It can be super painful and can even feel like the wrong thing to do, but the only way to stop dragging things out is to cut the ties, at least for the time being.
In my personal experience, you need to establish boundaries for the level of communication following the split. It may take saying that you’d like to not speak for a few months, it might even take you temporarily blocking the other person, but regardless of how it happens, it needs to be done.
In a few months, when the dust has settled, feel free to draft a text or place a call, but continuing regular communication right after a breakup only keeps the wound open.