What the hell even is motivation anyway? When I reflect on myself, I really can’t understand what it is that makes me do the things I do. When I was in high school, I got pretty great grades with a couple exceptions (fuck you AP Calculus), got lead roles in school plays, and did good things in my free time, like write and read an inordinate amount. I got a job when I was 17 and made my own money. I got into every college I applied to, even if it was only 3. I did so much, even though it never felt that way when I was in the moment.
Now that I’m in college, I do not fuck around like I did in high school. I swamp myself in work and school and barely give myself a moment to breathe. I have a job that aligns with my future career, I’m in a good number of clubs, and I’ve gotten almost all A’s during my time at college.
Needless to say, it really confuses me when people don’t treat their lives the same way that I do. Some people I know don’t give a shit about their grades, some have no desire to be successful, and some are all talk about their future, but do nothing to make it happen. It’s truly baffling to me. How can people just not care? How can people be okay with standing still? To me, if I’m not working toward something, I’m not doing anything. Something in me has always forced me to constantly be going, even if I don’t know where it is that I’m going. At the moment, my ideas of my future are vague, but I’m never not moving toward it.
When I stop to think about what exactly motivates me to always be moving, always do the things I’m doing, always work toward something, I come up short. It’s not necessarily money or success that makes me want to do well. I have no one who has doubted my abilities, so I’m not trying to prove anyone wrong. I don’t have some grand calling that requires my work. I don’t have a clear motivator. I just go. All the time.
Something about this is actually troubling to me, and causes me a little bit of distress. Why can’t I give myself a break? Why do I always feel like I’m not doing enough? What the fuck am I even doing?
Others might think this is a good thing. I’ve never been yelled at for my grades or for not having a job or anything like that. I never had a lecture about why I should care about my future. I never even really had to talk about my future, because I was always driving toward it regardless. That has to be a good thing, right? I’m not sure. If I can’t really pick out what makes me do what I do, then am I really doing anything? Without a purpose, are the things I’m doing meaningless?
Even though I don’t know it now, I think I’ll figure it out along the way. Maybe I’m not at that stage of life yet, where I know exactly what I want to do, like, philosophically. Until then, I’ll hope for the best.