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The words double on themselves, twisting, waving across the page. I squint and they become blurry, the spacing between each word stretches, elongates, the wallowing words repelling each other. Diptera wings buzz behind my ears, little tendrils rubbing together behind my eyes. Spit and rub, spit and rub, make the buzzing noise a little bit louder. The letters make laps away from each other, bobbing their alphabetical heads down the sea of whatever story the writer was trying to write. And then suddenly, they swim back to the shore, merge back with the mirror image of itself, and the diptera momentary sits still. A window, the words sit still for a second, finally allowing me to dip my feet within the water plot before the buzzing starts again. 


There was a look, a sideways glance that lasted a little too long, a change of tone, an accidently sharp word or did I just imagine the rudeness? Suddenly, my gut churns, my throat starts bubbling and I feel my chest shrinking. My back hunches, my chest tries to become a miniature version of itself. I don’t want to be here. I shouldn’t have come. I guess it would have been better if I just stayed home. My lips tangle my words, and I’m afraid it’s perceived as inarticulate. They must probably hate me, this was a mistake. 


Please I just have to get this one thing done it only takes fifteen minutes why can’t I do this why can’t I just get this done I’m not quite sure why this is hard for me It’s easer for everyone else just get the fucking paper done it’s not hard it’s only two pages with a few citations you’ve done it before why can’t you do it again stop being so fucking lazy and just move just get it done 


I can’t quite help it. Even if it is something interesting I just slip. The words crumble and a series of thoughts flow across my head. Try to stay focused, this is your education. We are here to learn. Why can’t I just focus?



Syd Abad

Wells '22

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” ― Audre Lorde, A Burst of Light
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