Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicide and substance abuse
When I talk about mixed episodes, most people are confused; it's not a term they relate to with Bipolar, but it's simply something I struggle with daily. Being a disabled mixed bipolar person feels like I'm living in a constant state of burnout. There are times that I'm genuinely happy, but I have to question myself, is it the mania, or am I happy? A mixed episode is feeling the highs of mania and euphoria while at the same time feeling the lows of depression and suicidality.
I didn't realize it at the time, but to cope with all these feelings, I resorted to alcohol, and that's what I thought was my only way of fixing it temporarily. Mixed episodes can mean anything to anybody, but I feel like I'm on the edge of my seat about to fall into a black hole, but I don't know when it will happen.
My relationship with mixed episodes is different now that I'm on a mood stabilizer; the euphoria is still there. It just manifests itself more healthily. The depression isn't as bad, I'm still able to feel genuine sadness, and I struggle more now with intrusive and suicidal thoughts than actually having the urge to. I call it a disaster wonderland because that's the best way I can put it into words. There is no simplicity or black and white to make it fit how you're feeling in your consciousness.
It is just there, and I'm glad I could find the proper medication because now I don't struggle with mixed episodes as much; I feel much more healthy and in a better place. Everyone has challenging moments in life, but my brain doesn't protect itself by putting me through mixed emotions to get through the day. For all those who relate to anything, I want to say I'm sorry, but also I'm glad you're still here, and Bipolar people are one of the most empathetic and genuine people on this earth. If you are struggling with anything I am talking about, please reach out. I am here to help as well. This journey isn't easy, but with help and a support system, you can finally stop living life in agony.