Growing up wanting to be my own person

This is probably a really niche feeling, but I’ve seen some ideas similar to this circulating online. We’re all well aware of the oldest daughter trope. And yes, there is some evidence to back it up: eldest children take on more responsibility in the household and carry that responsible-ness into their adult lives. This phenomenon seems to affect young women the most.

In my case, this is very apt. Growing up, I did have an older brother, but he wasn’t my dad’s son, so I fell into that weird oldest child to one parent and middle child to the other grey space. Let me tell you, the enormous pressure to take care of everyone around me, confounded by never being paid attention to, was rough. While that may be hard to relate to as I don’t come across many others who’ve gone through that, I’m hoping this next piece does resonate with some. 

Being a middle child was filled with hand-me-downs and annoying little siblings who, for whatever reason, absolutely needed to have everything I did. But of course, the baby got everything brand new, mind you. Not long ago, while exploring new hobbies, I met someone who grew up as an only child. She came to see what I was doing and was astonished. Then, like some sort of 5 year old, she demanded a turn as well. This isn’t normal behaviour I see from a 25 year old but who am I to judge, right? It reminded me of my childhood—wanting to take guitar or swimming or skating lessons and either having to fit them around my brother’s schedules or only being able to partake if my brother got to as well. 

In that moment, I realized my personality and interests grew from being so spitefully defiant. Creating comfort for myself by finding hobbies that I knew no one else would be interested in or not telling anyone about them so that they could be wholly my own and so that I could feel like an individual after years of having to share. 

This feeling can be difficult to come to terms with, especially while caring deeply for your siblings and wanting them to succeed. But it can be so much harder when you see someone becoming successful at something they only started because you were the one who introduced them to it. 

This is all to say that if you feel like you’ve had to hide parts of yourself so no one “takes them” from you or if you’ve ever felt like you grew up in the shadows of your siblings, I’m here, I see you, I won’t steal your interests, and you’re not alone. And maybe I’m on my own on this one. Maybe other oldest/middle kids love to see their siblings share interests with them and use them to bond with each other. I sure wish I could’ve seen it from that perspective growing up.