I’m not going to sugarcoat anything in this article.
You cannot have a meaningful relationship with someone if you cannot agree with them on the fundamentals of what is right and what is wrong. Full-stop.
I’m getting really sick and tired of this idea that it is shallow to be uninterested in maintaining close ties with people who have “different political opinions” than you. Because when people say that, they’re not really talking about political opinions.
Political opinions are the viewpoints a person holds on the government, policies, and political figures. A political opinion is how high a person thinks taxes should be, or the extent to which they think industries should be regulated. A political opinion is not whether it’s okay to use slurs or if homeless people are human beings. It is not trying to find justifications for demonizing entire marginalized groups, or whether poor people deserve to eat. That has another name: intolerance.
Even if you don’t support those “ideologies,” —emphasis on the quotes, hate speech is an illegitimate perspective— not confronting that behavior is enabling it. Your friend group is a reflection of who you are. When an apple rots, it releases enzymes that rot all the fruits that are around it as well. People are like that, too. You absolutely become who you surround yourself with.
Moreover, you cannot have a meaningful relationship with anyone who doesn’t respect you on a human level. That means your “friend” who continues to make racialized “jokes” after you’ve expressed that it makes you uncomfortable, or your “friend” who ridicules you for advocating for your people and community. True friends don’t treat you that way.
I wholeheartedly believe that the worst thing you can do for yourself as a minority is to allow your immediate circle to be made up entirely of privileged people, of people who will never understand your lived experience, nor care to. Racism, or any form of discrimination for that matter, takes a huge toll on you mentally, physically, and spiritually. Having people around you who not only undermine those experiences but also perpetuate more of them is detrimental to your psyche, sense of self, and mental well-being.
Sometimes, it’s unavoidable. If you live in an area that’s not particularly diverse, and you don’t want to spend all your time alone, you don’t have much choice in the matter. So you often find yourself biting your tongue, letting microaggression after microaggression slide.
I’m here to tell you right now: you deserve better than that. You owe it to yourself not to tolerate anything that doesn’t align with your values, peace, or the person you want to be.
I want to clarify that this, obviously, doesn’t refer to people who are conscious of their privileges, who listen and immediately rectify their behavior when they realize they have done or said something insensitive. That is the defining line: a person’s willingness to be better.
As Maya Angelou once said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” Of course, people can change for the better. But when you’ve explained to someone over and over again how their behavior is hurting you, and they continue to do it, they don’t love you. It’s that simple.
The general rule of thumb for any relationship is to surround yourself with people who make you feel good. It is better to be alone than with people who make you feel like you need to compromise your morals or that any part of your identity should be diminished.