So, you were cuddling and the alarm clock went off causing your significant other to jerk and elbow you in the nose and now you're bleeding profusely in their bed? What a cliché! Here's a play by play guide to accidental, lover-inflicted, AM nose bleeds.

  • Waking up to a sharp pain and a tsunami of blood is a difficult and disorienting way to start the day, but resist jumping to worst case scenario conclusions like "the birth control I started taking probably gave me blood clots, and this nose bleed has probably knocked one loose and probably launched it right up to my brain and I'm probably going to die in, like, 20 minutes all because of this jackass! Ahhh!" - Thoughts like this, while valid, are not productive.
  • Action is far more useful at times like these. Cup your hands below your nostrils to protect the bedding. Nose bleeds are dangerous because of their instant, unforgiving flow so the quicker you respond the less laundry will have to be done.
  • Feel free to express any anger you have about the pain in your face or the possibility of living the rest of your life looking like Owen Wilson. Cursing is a good way to do this. Ex: "C*CK SUCKING GOD DAMN MOTHER F*CKING SH*T ASS B*********TCH!!!!!" (Repeat as necessary.)

  • Now that you have vented your anger, calmly head to the bathroom to clean up. Here is a good guide to stopping a nosebleed quick. Remember to pinch just below the bridge, keeping your nostrils open. Grabbing the tip of your nose like you're holding your breath just builds up a massive reservoir of blood inside your nasal passage, which is gross.
  • Once you return from the bathroom your partner will probably apologize over and over. They feel terrible. They never meant to hurt you. They love you and oh my god they are so so sooo sorry! Apologies like this probably just piss you off because of all I the things we talked about above (pain, blood clots, Owen Wilson) but you should remember that it was an ACCIDENT. Of course they didn't mean to hit you. It's not their fault, but it still happened so it's OK to demand ice and something nice to eat for breakfast. They did just punched you in the face.

  • As the day goes on you will probably start to laugh about the whole thing. It's actually very funny in a romantic comedy kind of way. In fact, you're totally Meg Ryan in a movie about goofy relationship mishaps. Text that to your significant other to let them know you're LOLing.
  • Your nose will heal and your partner will make it up to you, so take it easy and enjoy the satisfaction of knowing that you successfully jumped the accidental, lover-inflicted, AM nose bleed hurdle. You are stronger for it.