When it comes to love I have been described as everything and anything, and all the stuff in between. From a “lover girl” to “boy crazy,” my friends and family have had to listen to tale after tale of some misguided notion I could have sworn was going to turn into something beautiful. However, for all my talk, not much has come to fruit.
While I will probably spend a lifetime discovering who I am and how I interact with the idea of being loved, there have been a few landmarks in my twenty years of age that have shaped my experience.
I have chosen seven guys that have impacted me and my romantic notions in one way or the other – and all the lessons I have learned from each of them, big or small. I hope you enjoy and take something from this, or maybe my romantic failures will make you feel better about yours.
Side Note: I’m using fake names (obviously). You might be thinking “Kareena! Aren’t you worried that one of them is going to read this and see what you think of them?” That’s silly! No man I have ever liked has seen me enough as a person to care about my dreams or aspirations, or even acknowledge my hobbies (like writing for this magazine). This is why it’s good to be attracted to awful men!
However, on the off chance you are someone who is referenced in this, you are not allowed to sue me or even be mad at me. Remember that some people sue their exes for a million bucks quoting emotional distress! Instead of being upset, Venmo me 20 dollars! You know what you did.
I. Sean
To kick us off, we are going back to elementary. Sean was a boy in my fourth-grade class who I was obsessed with. He was sweet and Australian, which in fourth grade are the two hottest things a boy could be. I remember in the middle of the school year he broke his foot. This was obviously the most devastating thing to have ever happened to me in my nine years of living. HOWEVER, because of this, he couldn’t make it to the dining hall for lunch. So nine-year-old Kareena (who had been consuming rom-com plots since her little eyes could see) used to bring his food up to the classroom and we would have lunch together, just me and him. I don’t think I ever said anything of importance, mainly because I was 9, but it was still the greatest feeling in the world. I don’t even know if he remembers this, but I do. Mainly because nothing as romantic has happened to me since. He had moved away before fifth grade started, but I never forgot him. When I was around 14, I found him on Instagram again. We started texting until I got too comfortable and told him every embarrassing thing that had ever happened to me. Poor boy. We fizzled out soon after (i.e. I blocked him on everything), and have not spoken to each other since. I hope he’s doing well! Sorry for the fifteen-year-old trauma dumping! I know better now – these days I just post my most intimate thoughts on the World Wide Web through a college magazine!
Lesson: sometimes don’t ruin a good love story by trying to revive it. Some things are sweeter to look back on in the past, not every tiny romance has to be followed up on.
II. Cobain
Cobain was from the good old days of middle school. He was the first boy I ever thought was interesting. He was in and out of my peripheral vision for years, but it wasn’t until ninth grade that I started to notice him. He wasn’t like the other boys in my grade. He was mature. Again, when you are 13, it’s not a super high bar. But Cobain, man, he was cool. He watched French films and his favorite band was Nirvana. He was interesting and deep and had interesting and deep thoughts. Suffice it to say, I was infatuated.
I didn’t know what pretentious meant at the time so I was deeply, irrevocably in love. I pretended to relate to Kurt Cobain’s lyrics and I watched a France vs Croatia soccer match just to relay to him what was happening because he was grounded. What can I say, I have always been a romantic. We also didn’t end up working out, (by the way, this is going to be a general theme). Looking back I can’t even read those texts because of how crazy I was about him and how deeply he was not. All the same, I hope he’s doing well. He was the first person who made me realize that I was cool because I eventually stopped pretending to like the stuff he was into and cared more about what I was into.
I will always appreciate him for being the first guy to lay the groundwork for the next seven years of being attracted to men based on what their Spotify Wrapped was composed of.
Lesson: if a guy isn’t half as interested in the things you’re into, you do not need to become the biggest advocate for his likes and dislikes. Give the same energy you receive, it’s the bare minimum.
III. Jonas
Jonas was my first boyfriend. He asked me out in the ninth grade and I was so excited at the prospect that I ignored the fact that he was as straight as post-2010 Ricky Martin. He was kind, and that was all I needed at the moment. We broke up after a month, citing irreconcilable differences. He later called me, in the middle of junior year, after I had moved to America and him to Norway, and came out to me over the phone. I played my part as an unsuspecting ex and was in extreme shock. I wasn’t about to take away his moment. He’s the only guy on this list that remains one of my great friends. I’ll love you forever Jonas!
Lesson: sometimes the best boyfriend you will ever have is a gay, Norwegian man.
IV. David
I was 16 and had just gotten my first job at a little grocery store that rhymes with Raider Toes. David was a 20-something who I thought was the coolest guy alive. He went with me on cart runs and we exchanged music recommendations with fervor. I thought he was so cool, he was much more mature than the boys my age (probably because he was literally twenty-six). Every shift I checked the schedule and would come up with ways I could bump into him. We made each other playlists with each other’s names as the titles and when he left the store a year later, I was crushed. Three years later, when I was 19, I looked back at our old Instagram DMs and was truly shocked at the amount we talked and the fact that I reveled in his compliments so much.
I think it’s a quintessential experience for a teenage girl to fall in love with a Morrissey type of guy – at least once, it builds character.
Lesson: if a guy calls you “mature for your age” when you are a teenager, get the hell out of there. Nothing good will ever come from this.
V. Harry
The next guy was also from the aforementioned grocery store, this time age-appropriate. Harry was my first real heartbreak. Especially humbling when we didn’t even date. He was a summer hire, and I got to train him on his second day. I was immediately infatuated. Over the summer, we went out to see movies, walked around Seattle, and flirted (i.e. I would constantly refer to him as an old man). Eventually, I started to feel like I cared way more about him than he did me and I pulled back. However, the day before he left for college, he texted me that he had messed up in the summer and treated me terribly. He used words and phrases like “hanging out with you was genuinely one of the better parts of my summer” and “someone that I’ve started to care about.” Obviously, silly me thought this meant that he liked me (probably because he said so). We met an hour later after he texted me, went out on a date and we had a sweet, kind, optimistic kiss. We went to our respective colleges the next week, messaging him as much as I could, including drunk texts in which I confessed my feelings and also insulted the French. We kept making plans to see each other, but we kept missing them. I remember once thinking about the fact that we only went to college three hours away from each other and it was truly a situation of “if he wanted to, he would” but that didn’t matter! Because he cared about me.
Finally, I asked him what he was doing for New Year’s, he said he didn’t have any plans so I said my best friend was throwing a party. I then immediately called my best friend, told her I messed up, and that she would need to throw a New Year’s bash. Since she is a genuine angel, she did.
I was quite literally the most excited, nervous, and ecstatic that I have ever been. People came, more and more, and yet with each guest, I started to feel a little bit more let down, one by one. Finally at 11:46, fourteen minutes till midnight, I texted him and asked if he was still coming. He replied at 11:50, ten minutes to go, and said that he was too drunk at a friend’s house and couldn’t drive over. I was devastated. I had been stood up on New Year’s Eve. Where one of the most romantic love confessions in rom-com history took place, in When Harry Met Sally, I was left at 11:59 feeling absolutely gutted. Thankfully, my two best friends were there, and while one of them kept me upright, the other (our lovely hostess) blocked him on everything. Later when I realized that she did, I unblocked him – a stupid move on my part, but it didn’t matter anyways. He never texted me.
It was my first real heartbreak. I don’t even know if it was because I had cared about this guy that much, or because it was simply such a mean thing to do. It sucked. When I came back from college for the summer, I spent two months taking the highway two exits past my house, just to stop by the grocery store next to the movie theater where we used to go. I was both at once, desperately hoping to run into him, and at the same time, terrified to ever see him again. I still don’t know what happened, and I hate that I never got an explanation or even an apology.
Lesson: I honestly don’t know. I don’t know if there even is a lesson because I don’t know what I was supposed to learn from this. Maybe that sometimes things don’t go the way you want them to, and you can’t beg for someone to treat you well. Maybe. Sometimes people just do shitty things. I’m still figuring this one out.
VI. Ryan
I lost my virginity to a Tinder date. His bio said something about the Broncos and that was my favorite high school teacher’s team, so I decided to take that as a sign. He was funny. Which is dangerous. My type is funny guys. If a dude makes me laugh, there is a likely chance that I will be obsessed with him for the next 3 to 5 years. We hooked up about four times until we got into an argument and I started to tear up.
I struggle with vulnerability. I have a rule that I will not cry in front of anyone I’ve had sex with, and I will not have sex with anyone I’ve cried in front of. It’s a stupid rule. I know this. But it keeps me from feeling scared – like the floor is falling out from underneath me. It’s too much vulnerability, too intimate. I freaked out. SO obviously, I ruined it. I told him that I wanted a committed relationship, I wanted kids, and I had a five-year plan. All of which is not true at all. I was just trying to say anything that would scare him off. It worked, we never saw each other after that. Maybe it would have been a good thing, maybe not. I kind of wish I didn’t chicken out, but it is what it is. I’m still grateful that it happened though. It was still the perfect first time, awkward but funny, perfect for me. Because of that, I will always hold some affection for him.
Lesson: it’s okay if you mess up now and then. You aren’t throwing away your only chance of love. Give yourself some grace. You can’t always get it right the first time.
VII. Leo
I met Leo in my Psych of Gender quiz section. He was warm and funny. He walked me back to my dorm, mentioned our one mutual friend, asked for my number, and then after all that, told me he had a girlfriend. I was appalled. Also, extremely confused. Anyway, we didn’t talk much after that until he told me he broke up with his girlfriend a few months later. I wasn’t looking to be a rebound so I was tentative about the whole thing, but we became friends. We met in the library and hung out. I opened up to him about a lot, but he didn’t share the same amount – I didn’t realize that until much later. We ended up going to a movie, and it was weird from the get-go. It felt like we were arguing the whole time, and I was too focused on whether he liked the movie to enjoy it, even though I had been excited to see it for a year (it was Spider-Verse 2, the sequel to one of the best movies ever made, and one of my favorites). He thought it was “okay,” which should have been my first sign.
Finally, when he drove us home, his phone was connected to CarPlay, and I saw about nineteen messages pop up from his ex-girlfriend. She sent a new one before the notification bubble even went down. The girl was monologuing. It was so painfully awkward. I could see him watching me watch those messages come through from the periphery of my eye. I muttered “Jesus” under my breath, turned my body, and looked out the window. I briefly contemplated pulling a Ladybird and throwing myself out the car door. That’s how humbling it was. I got home, deleted all our messages, changed his contact to “DO NOT TEXT” and never talked to him again. What a guy.
Hope the girl got a response. From one writer to another, she deserved one.
Lesson: One red flag is all you need, you don’t need to keep looking for confirmations. Don’t stick around counting the signs if you’re never going to heed them.
Looking back and going down memory lane, this all feels slightly abysmal. It takes a hell of a romantic to keep putting herself out there. Or maybe I am just stupidly optimistic. Either way, I can take the consolation that everything can either be a lesson or an anecdote, and that’s enough for now. Also, it’s been fun, I’ve had good moments that I wouldn’t give up with any of these people. It’s weird to see what will have an impact on you, and sometimes weirder to see what didn’t. This was therapeutic. I’ll see you in the New Year.