As my sophomore year commences, I returned to living in the dorms of north campus. I love the convenience of living on campus: close to class, close to student dining, close(ish) to the IMA, cold autumn nights when the promise of a warm bed is still close by. It’s not that I don’t like all the advantages it has, but at the same time, sitting alone in the dining hall most nights hurts. There’s a pain that I don’t know how to describe. There’s little to no “family dinners” with my friends each week. An emptiness that wasn’t there at the same time last year. Growing pains, I guess.
On top of all this, I feel like an absent mother to my dorm room, to my freshman roommates who are nothing but wonderful. Yet, they have a deeper connection to each other than I do. I’ve missed so many fundamental bonding moments because my life has been busy. Four weeks in and I feel like I’m interrupting when I come home at night and see them huddled on the floor watching Grey’s Anatomy. The moments where I finally slow down, once my classes and clubs are done, when my studying comes to a halt, there is an unfamiliar silence I have to sit in, all alone. A feeling I should be used to as someone who grew up as an only child because the “found” family I have here at university is much farther away now, and I’m left being the houseguest from north campus.
I think that I’m finally feeling the sadness that comes with being a college student. They say college is the best years of your life and I whole-heartetly agree, but I also know it’s when you go through the most change. And this is all before your frontal lobe even fully develops! I feel fragile, like I could shatter up at any moment. It hits me out of nowhere, especially on my 20 minute walk home from my friends house.
The emotions I’m feeling now have me worried for the next few years. The perils of post grad really have my wheels turning lately. I know I’m only a sophomore and there is so much time before I graduate, but, what will happen when I don’t live in the same city or even country as my friends? What happens when the job market wants to kick me down more than it has when just trying to get a part time job? What happens when I don’t live 30 minutes away from my parents? All these “what if’s” are hard to answer right now. So, I’ve decided, that as this quarter continues, I will do my best to find the little things I want to look forward to. Enjoy the moments and the little joys that come with returning to campus; waving to friends I pass in the quad, grabbing coffee with someone I haven’t seen since last spring, football games and sailgating at the docks, seeing people play spikeball on denny field, and remembering that my time here is valued and will one day be rewarded with a degree in my name.
I cherish the open door that waits for me at my friends house. Knowing that, while this year is different and more difficult, it doesn’t have to change anything. Those girls are still my closest friends, my past and future roommates, my bridesmaids, and tias to my future children. They can fill this emptiness I’m feeling. They will always be here for me; even though they are now 20 minutes away. Besides…I know where they keep the spare key.Â