To the guy I used to know,
You’re the guy in my hall. You’re the one behind the, now, forever closed door and blocked accounts. You’re the contact in my phone that I can’t text back. And now, you’re the first person I lost in college.
It was all a rollercoaster, you and me. There were so many highs that were fueled by late nights of smiles, inside jokes, and weird urges to cook. A part of me is glad my phone had to be rebooted to factory mode because it saved me from having to debate whether or not to delete all of our photos and videos together. The other part of me hates it because I lost all of our memories. They’re stored in my head, but now I can’t look back at them and question whether or not things were supposed to end this way. I pass by your door a lot and have to resist the urge to knock on it and just apologize. But then I ask myself if I should be the one apologizing.
We were a rollercoaster. Despite all the highs, the lows scared me and made me question my own self-worth. That shouldn’t be the case, right? There were times where I was hurting and you knew, but it didn’t affect you. I’ve never questioned my own self worth until we happened and that, despite everything, is not healthy. I can’t tell whether I hurt you or you hurt me, but maybe we should have never happened.
The world always throws at us people, events, and surprises for no apparent reason. People walk in and out of one’s life and everyone says that some people aren’t meant to stay. Maybe that’s the case for me and you. Maybe we were one another’s lessons to carry on within life. Maybe we just had different expectations. Maybe we were meant to be friends and nothing more, but now that option is off the table. Maybe we were meant to be strangers in the end. I like to think that you were a lesson for me. You were a lesson on how to grow as a significant other and as a person. You were and are a reminder that I should never sacrifice my own self-worth and respect for someone else’s.
I still remember your hugs, your laugh, and your smile. I still care about you, even if you don’t believe so. A part of me still needs to get over you. Sometimes I still think you’re gonna walk through the lounge door and smile at me. Sometimes I wish there was a redo button and that every problem and hurtful word we said to one another would be taken back. You’re still a reoccurring thought and I remember when you’d be the go-to person for everything for me. I miss you at times, but you’re just a memory now. You’ve hurt me a bit too much and I can’t handle that much pain. But then again, I’ve hurt you as well. Maybe once we have both matured more, we can reconcile and be friends instead of just being strangers. Thank you for being my best friend these past few months. I do hope you’re doing well. Remember to wear a warm jacket out. It’s chilly outside.
Sincerely,
Me