Over the last month, I’ve had the displeasure of seeing someone I love go through a breakup. It’s one of the most painful things to witness, and unfortunately, holiday seasons tend to be riddled with them. But, as terrible and crappy as they are, breakups are important. I’ve loved and hated people that I’ve broken up with, but I’ve always learned something. Whether it’s something new about myself, about the way I love, the way I treat people, the way I let myself be treated, or even about life itself. Breakups are a learning tool, you just have to get through the terrible parts of it.
I’m obsessed with rituals, all types. Mourning rituals, wedding rituals, coming-of-age rituals, etc. There is something so special and beautiful as going through the set motions to signify a change. So, I thought it would make sense to write my own breakup ritual (this is HEAVILY inspired by a breakup ritual I read in the book The Intimacy Experiment by Rosie Danan. I highly, highly, recommend this book!). This is what I do with a broken heart, I hope it helps heal yours <3
1. Mourn
I cannot stress this enough. Feel this breakup. Do not pretend to go numb or unfeeling. You felt the relationship, let yourself feel this. I like to put on the most gut-wrenching songs and most painful and tear-jerking movies to be created. While some people call this sadistic and a twisted form of self-flagellation, I think it’s necessary. I am the most dramatic person I know, and when I mourn a relationship, I MOURN a relationship, and only then can I put it to peace.
2. Eat Italian food
When I got dumped in the school parking lot during my senior year of high school, I immediately skipped my classes for the rest of the day and drove home. I made a HUGE pot of spaghetti and sat down and watched ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ and let Julia Roberts console me. I don’t know what it is, but pasta is always the answer. If you can’t cook, get takeout, but marinara sauce has done more for my broken heart than therapy.
3. Dance
For the love of god, do not try to look graceful or elegant. Move your body in a way that you hope no one can see. Dance FOR yourself. Look stupid. Look insane. Look ugly. You do not have to perform for anyone. You do not have to look effortless. Put effort into it. Get sweaty. Get red-faced and pant. Laugh at how dumb you look and go on regardless. You do not owe anyone your grace.
4. Call someone you love
Reach out to people. No one asked you to shoulder this burden yourself. You are allowed to have someone take care of you. Ask for help. Get good at it. Call your mom, your dad, your sibling, whoever. Talk to the family pet. Talk to someone. Breakups are painful but you do not have to deal with them alone.
5. Do mundane tasks
Take a shower. Do your laundry. Water your plants. You do not have to feel alive for a bit, but you do have to keep living. I go grocery shopping when I am sad. I am alone and brokenhearted but the 65-year-old man next to me examining to see if a tomato is bruised does not know that. I love being brokenhearted in a grocery store. Doing mundane tasks reminds me that life goes on, for me and the person I loved, even if we’re not going through life together.
6. Go outside
I hate it when people tell me “maybe if you go for a walk you’ll feel better” because you know what? Dammit, they are always right. Going for a walk does make me feel better. I’m not saying that you have to pick up hiking or start jogging in the morning but do not stay cooped up. Get some fresh air. Touch some grass for heaven’s sake. Nature has healed human beings since the beginning of time, let it heal you too.
7. Stop mourning
I’m sorry. At one point, you’re going to have to switch off “Sparks” by Coldplay. Your timeline is your timeline, but grief cannot consume you. Let Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind give way to 27 Dresses. Let the sad, tearjerkers turn to romcoms. You are still allowed to cry at 2 p.m. in the afternoon but maybe put on some music that won’t cause your neighbors to be concerned about you. Allow yourself the possibility of healing.
8. say goodbye
I am not saying this because I am a writer, but write. It doesn’t have to be Pulitzer worthy. Write a letter to the person. It does not have to be kind, it does not have to be forgiving, but write everything you want to say to them. Do not wait around for closure you might not get, give it to yourself. Write that you were hurt, write that you were angry, write that you are grateful. It’s completely up to you, whatever you need to say. Now, DO NOT GIVE THIS LETTER TO THE PERSON. Destroy it. Burn it. Tear it to pieces (and throw it in the trash, we do not litter). If it’s biodegradable paper, float it down a river. That’s the universe’s problem now.
Breakups are terrible, awful, crappy, necessary. Figure out the lesson, if there even is one. Exist on your own for a bit. Pick up a hobby. You WILL survive this. Do not close your heart off, it would be a disservice. I wish you the best and all my love. Happy healing <3