Top 8 Things To Be Optimistic About Now That Trump Is President

1. Your spray tan will ALWAYS look good in comparison

It happens. We want a “sunkissed glow” but instead we get “Oompa Loompa burst.” Well, don’t worry. Now that a big Cheeto with a dead gerbil for hair is the face of our country, the expectations are pretty low.

2. We will sound so hot with a British accent.

There’s been a lot of talk about Canadian immigration, but I’m planning on going all the way across the pond. Not only is its a lot farther from Trump, but British accents are way cuter.

 

3.  You can finally justify an expensive trip to Europe.

In addition to having a hot new accent, now you can blow your entire savings to escape this mess. Paris, Barcelona, Milan— anywhere you want and you don't have to feel guilty!

4. We will now know definitively which guys NOT to have sex with.

If Hillary was elected, the Trump supporters that were quieter during the campaign would probably be too butt-hurt, their egos shattered, to complain about it. Well don’t worry, now they will be loud and proud. Remember, friends don’t let friends hook up with Trump supporters.

 

5. Guys can no longer complain about wearing condoms.

So now that birth control will be a lot less accessible to women, guess who has to suck it up?! 

 

6. I can blame everything on my period.

While I like to pretend that guys find me somewhat tolerable and attractive, in reality my sex life is somewhere between an urban legend and non-existent. So why am I on birth control? Spoiler alert: it helps alleviate period symptoms. But if I don’t have access to birth control, my hormones and lady problems will be that much worse. I might even pull a Megyn Kelly and call out Donald Trump for his sexism. You thought I was crazy before, just wait.

 

7. Now no one can yell at you for drinking at family functions.

I mean, how else are you going to sit through anything your old relatives say?

 

8. Memes.

Just think of the memes a Trump/Pence presidency will bring. Think about it. If Trump supporters were going to change their views about anything, they would have already. So what is the best way to annoy them? Don’t try to start a facebook debate with them that’s like literally what gets them off. Just tag them in as many Trump memes as possible. Preferably ones about his tiny ass hands. We all know the truth hurts.

 

If I see one more straight white dude post about how “although they didn’t vote for Trump, let’s try to be positive” I am going to lose it. It’s really funny, hilarious almost, that people who will not be affected or targeted in any way by a Trump/Pence presidency feel like they have the right to tell the communities that are scared for their lives to try to see the bright side. The same goes for straight white women. Yes I am looking at you, the 52% of white women who voted for Trump.

 

It is important to note that I have an immense amount of privilege compared to other groups. As a straight white woman, whose only religious affiliation is “a light kale avocado salad with the dressing on the side please” I come right after straight white dudes on the privilege pyramid. I cannot even imagine how the LGBT community and people of color feel about a Trump presidency. However, I’m not going to sit here and try to imagine how these communities feel because I cannot do their struggles justice. I tried to come up with things as a straight white woman to be positive about, ironically, and just keep in mind that so many women will face the - exact same issues - like access to birth control, on top of other issues that I am too privileged to be affected by in Trump’s America. This is going to be a rough ride the next couple of years. But don’t worry, we’re coming for you 2018 Mid-Term elections.