One of the most pivotal moments of my life was when I asked a friend if she would like to go see a movie with me. Yes, I’m serious.
I am an introvert. If you consult The All-Knowing Google, you’ll learn that the definition of this term is “a shy, reticent person.” But I have a bone to pick with this description; it is overly simplistic and presumptuous. Introversion doesn’t necessarily equate to shyness, although many introverts do merit that label. I am partial to the Dictionary.com definition: “Having a disposition that is taxed by social engagement and energized by calm environments, resulting in the preference for quiet solitude.” Drawing from this, I think perhaps the best way to think of introversion and its excitable, social counterpart, extroversion, is in terms of energy. If you tend to feel most comfortable in small, intimate groups, and derive pleasure and comfort from being alone (but not lonely) with your thoughts, you’re likely an introvert. And if you constantly crave social interaction, love being in loud, crowded settings, and despise being shut up at home by yourself, it’s probable that you’re an extrovert. Still, it is important to note that “introvert” and “extrovert” aren’t black and white labels to be slapped onto a person; introversion and extroversion instead mark the ends of a spectrum (ambiverts falling at its center and possessing both introverted and extroverted qualities). So, when I say that I’m an introvert, I don’t mean that I’m a shy loner who dreads social engagement. In fact, I love going out with friends, have starred in plays, and am comfortable giving presentations and raising my hand in class. That being said, I have a small, tightly-knit circle of friends rather than a large group of semi-close pals and would gladly opt for a night in with takeout and a Netflix-binging marathon over a party any day. And while I was never timid, my introversion did lead to my being more hesitant to initiate plans or conversations with those outside of my intimate circle. And that’s why it was so nerve-racking to me when, at 13, I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone and invite an acquaintance to go see the latest Pixar film with me.
After finalizing our plans, my friend and I met at the movie theater and shared a box of M&Ms while watching The Good Dinosaur. The movie was so-so in my opinion (I’m partial to The Incredibles and Inside Out, but that’s a topic for another article), but the moment is one that I’ll never forget. Beyond being a cherished memory with someone I consequently became much closer with, it demonstrated that most of my fears and insecurities were in my head and that I had the power to create change in my social world. I suspect that many introverts – and perhaps even extroverts – have had similar experiences in their lives. If that is the case for you, here are some tips for pushing yourself out of your comfort zone and broadening your social circle.
- THINK ABOUT YOUR “WHY”
First off, it’s important to consider why you want to change your social patterns. Maybe you’re feeling a bit isolated. Maybe you’d like to meet more people. Or maybe you want to become more comfortable making small talk with those around you. All of these reasons are completely valid, but it’s important to double check with yourself and be sure that you are pushing yourself out of your comfort zone because you wantto. We live in an extrovert’s world, and there is often pressure for introverts to behave more exuberantly and outgoingly than is desirable for them. This is true in myriad contexts – we’re often forced to engage in constant group work in schools and workplaces, are considered loners or losers if we aren’t involved in our community’s social scene, and much more (read Susan Cain’s masterpiece Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking or watch her Ted Talk to learn more about how our society engages with and the power of introverts). However, many introverts are content with their limited social engagement; some people have fifty friends and aren’t satisfied, while other people might have two close pals that mean the world to them. Make sure that you are only forcing yourself to become more outgoing if that’s a personal goal, and not someone else’s or society’s wish for you.
- START SMALL
If you want to be an athlete, you wouldn’t start by running a 5K. Instead, you’d stretch and take a jaunt around the block in order to prepare for the larger races in your future. Growing socially is not different. Come up with a manageable goal – maybe talking to the student who sits in front of you in Chem or complimenting a stranger on their outfit – and take things one step at a time.
- GIVE YOURSELF A PEP TALK
If you truly wish to become more social, good for you! You’re taking a step toward a happier life and are being brave – acknowledge that and give yourself props for resolving to make good on your goals. Before you do whatever it is you’ve decided to do, send yourself positive messages and remind yourself that the worst that can happen is that the person you’re planning to interact with laughs at you or disses you. And if that happens, that just means that person is a jerk; that’s not on you.
- TAKE THE RISK
Now, it’s time to take that first step! Ask that classmate if she wants to grab lunch or invite your lab partner to get ice cream. Don’t allow yourself to chicken out. Just put your brave face on, don’t overthink things, and do it!
- REFLECT (BUT DON’T LINGER)
If things go well, wonderful! Enjoy the new connection you’ve made and the confidence you’ve gained. If things didn’t go well…well, sometimes that happens. Reflect on the situation and how things might go better in the future, but don’t beat yourself up or dwell in the past. Be proud of yourself for taking a chance and take another small risk when you feel ready. You’ll get ‘em next time.
Remember: Whether you’re an introvert or extrovert, you have the power to shape your own destiny. It can be intimidating, particularly if you’re introverted, but taking a risk in order to improve your quality of life is almost always worth it. Show them how powerful an introvert can be!