If your family is anything like mine, then you know how abnormal and uncomfortable large family gatherings can be. With Thanksgiving just around the corner, now is the time to mentally, physically, and emotionally prepare yourself for the rollercoaster that is the infamous third Thursday of November.
Step 1:
After returning home, immediately approach your dog before your parents. This way your parents know how much you love and missed your dog, and give you some time to settle in and get re-aquainted with your favorite family member before bombarding you with questions about your social life, grades, job search, etc.
Step 2:
Tell your Grandma you loved the gifts her synagogue sent you and that yes, you have been going to Hillel on a regular basis (even though you most definitely have not). When she inevitably asks you if you’ve met a “nice-Jewish-boy” yet, tell her you have. It’s not quite a lie because WashU is like 20% Jewish, so the likelihood is that you have in fact met a nice boy who happened to be Jewish.
Step 3:
This may just be something that happens with my family, but at large family-centric events, we always end up going in this downward spiral which inevitably leads to a discussion about some national tragedy, whether recent or pre-my existence. In the past, these topics have included (but are not limited to) the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, the explosion of the Challenger spacecraft, and most recently, global warming. If you notice any conversations like these beginning to bud while you’re sitting around the Thanksgiving dinner table, unfortunately forced next to your awkward and somewhat racist grandfather, yell the word “banana”. I know it sounds crazy, but trust me – creating an awkward silence is way better a situation than listening to your elder family members go into in-depth conversations about what exactly they were doing and where they were during the JFK assassination (for about the 7th year in a row).
Step 4:
If you’ve made it this far, good job, you have successfully survived Thanksgiving dinner with your certifiably insane family. Now that things have settled and most of your non-nuclear family members have traveled back to their respective home states, you can take the time to immerse yourself in the gift of leftovers. Whether you’re shoving mashed potatoes in your face before hopping on a flight back to St. Louis, or sneaking some frozen turkey and pie into your suitcase, take advantage of that delicious home-cooked food before returning to an endless supply of BD half-and-halfs, ramen noodles, and Costco sized boxes of granola bars. You’ll want to savor what you have left of your Thanksgiving meal because the closest you’ll come to having another one will be in over a month at Christmas/Hanukkah/etc.
Hopefully I have successfully armed you with the knowledge of how to survive Thanksgiving with your unnecessarily weird family. From this point on, the weight is on your shoulders – so good luck, and may the odds of encountering awkward family situations be ever in your favor.
by Carolyn Fox
gifs: giphy.com