As someone who has been in many successful, although imaginary, relationships, I have made a guide to achieve an amazing summer romance.
Step 1) Direct. Eye. Contact.
Even though I have never built up the courage to take this first step, I’ve heard it’s a great way to get the ball rolling.
Step 2) Keep staring
If he’s really the boy for you, locking eyes with him for an extended period of time will help him fall in love. Make sure your eye contact lasts for at least 10 seconds. And, while looking for this 10 seconds, make sure to not blink AT ALL and count the seconds out loud. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi…
Step 3) Introduce yourself!
Don’t stand there staring all day! Strike up a conversation! Make sure to say your name clearly and slowly. Say your name twice so he doesn’t forget. Then, state your designated fun fact. I like to go with the classic, “Female Kangaroos have three vaginas!” Then, ask for a fun fact from him!
Step 4) Make a blood pact
If things are going well, it may be time share some bodily fluids. Pull out a syringe, take some blood from your arm, and insert your blood into his veins. Then have him do the same. If you’re going to share your life together, you might as well share a needle. Think of it as a pre-engagement.
Step 5) Classically condition him
Start to associate yourself with positive things so he learns by association that you are a positive thing. Every time you see him, give him a rose. Every time you text him, have the nearest person to him give him a piece of candy. It won’t be long before he subconsciously finds you very appealing.
Step 6) Prepare an escape route
Hypothetically, this will not work out ideally and he may find you creepy and strange. In the event this happens, run to your pre-identified emergency exit. Don’t be afraid to throw out a catchphrase or whip out some jazz hands before jumping through a window. You want him to know exactly what he’s missing by turning you down.
By Christina Rao
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