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7 Definitive Rules for Late-Night Eating

1. You shall not judge others in line: It’s often easy to imagine that we’re better than the collective sweat-wearing, stressed-out mass of desperate students waiting in line at the Bear’s Den Grill. We’re not like others, we’re classy and only dabble in sweet, fatty luxury with extended pinky fingers. At the end of the day (literally), we are all the same. The second we put that box of fried food down to feast on various unrecognizable animal parts, we have agreed to forfeit our right to judge. 

Photo by Katie Calder (@Tasty_KC)

2. You shall take far more packets of sauce than necessary: You swipe your ID and behold the overfull box of chicken and fries; you bask in its majesty and imagine all the kinds of sauce you can utilize. You think, hey, maybe I should take several cups of ketchup and tomato sauce and, like, three packets of mustard – and maybe some more ketchup – just to be sure, you know, for your friends. Never know how much you will want your piece of breaded chicken to be dipped. 

3. You shall not leave your greasy boxes and napkins on the table: There is no reason that such an age-old courtesy rule could be ignored. Even when you’re in a large group, remember to kindly bring your boxes and trash to recycling, trash, composting and/or the other options Wash U supplies. I never know what goes where.

4. You shall have spiritual moments while eating alone: There will come a time when you’re alone in your room with your bestie, Netflix, perfectly solitary and free of the prying, judging eyes of society. You are going to devour that real bad side dish of cholesterol, all by your lonesome. Appreciate it because you’ll sure miss BD fries when you move off campus.

Photo by Katie Calder (@Tasty_KC)

5. You shall not say you want nothing then eat half the fries: We think this is pretty self-explanatory.

6. You shall embrace the shame: Just in case you cry yourself to sleep later that night for having inhaled 20,000 calories in one weak, intoxicated moment – we’re not saying anyone should be ashamed of eating tater tots and fries because damn, they are good. In fact, tell yourself it’s whatevs. Feeling bad isn’t going to transform the 10-to-1 oil-to-actual-food ratio into some quinoa and lean protein inside your stomach. Which brings us to the next point…

7. You shall not discuss the late-night food trip: If you all went together after that sweaty party, ready to stuff your bodies with several metric tons of fried carbs, that stays between you. There is absolutely no need to remind yourself or anyone else; even more importantly, you don’t have to justify indulging yourself. Don’t be the one who brings up how badly she feels about having eaten all the onion rings and reminds everyone of how badly they just mistreated their bodies. Take it all in, enjoy while it lasts and never speak of it again.



Top to bottom, photos via: @Tasty_KC (instagram account). Cover photo via store5.geomerx.com (Crosstown Diner)

Lace Nguyen is in her third year studying Comparative Literature at Washington University in St. Louis. While not entertaining college women with her wit and charm, she reads German novels and apologizes for how pretentious that sounds.
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