Let’s start off with being complacent when a random man on the internet – probably 10 years older than you, who spends their free time in the same way as you- would yell at you for being a girl and proceed to tell you to go back to the kitchen. The same old phrase used by a hundred other men you’d been in-game with. You’d mute your mic and then start to wonder whether you’d ever hear anything original. But then, disappointingly, you question why you’re even hoping for creativity when they shouldn’t even be saying those things in the first place. In your desperate efforts to silence yourself and hide your identity, you start to wonder why you cater to them. Why not silence them instead? So, you sit in complete silence, with only the sound effects of the game to be heard, feeling lonelier as the minutes pass by.
And so, as a solution, you find friends who also play games. These boys are funny, you tell yourself, but as they get more comfortable with you, their jokes are formed at your expense. It’s been a couple of months, maybe a year now, of laughing at yourself with them. The same old “go back to the kitchen and make me a sandwich,” just like those men from the very beginning. But you justify their words by telling yourself that friends can make jokes about each other and at this point, you’re too jaded to have your feelings hurt. Even if it means that when you log off from the computer you grimace, disgusted at yourself for thinking that your “friends” could be any different from those men in the past.
And then there’s the tipping point where one “friend” goes too far. You are finally shattered, and you react to defend yourself. That “friend” is surprised. You had never reacted this way before, so why are you reacting this way now? He speaks the truth in some way, why had you not defended yourself earlier? How much disrespect did you think you could cope with before you gave up?
I asked other women and non-binary students who game to complete a survey to gather their experiences. Here are the results:
What genre of games do you like playing the most?
The top 3 genres that were selected were as follows:
- FPS
- MOBA
- Simulations
88% of participants chose FPS as the game genre that they play the most. I asked them why they enjoy that specific genre. Here are two anonymised responses:
“I like playing FPS games with friends and just having fun. The teamwork and chill vibes are nice – being on the same team. I like the strategy and precision involved as well – it’s easy to tell when I’m improving with shooting, communication or strategy.”
“I like how competitive it is and how it entertains me/makes me pass time”
What is stopping you from playing a genre you didn’t select in the previous question?
“MOBA, too competitive and toxic environment from what I’ve seen. Pressure to perform and feel that as a woman I would face further criticism.”
“RPG, mainly my computer not being the best and the price of most games. poor student here.”
“I would like to try RPGs, but most RPGs aren’t compatible with my pc”
Have you received any negative comments through in game chat or voice chat based on your identity?
89% of the responses replied with yes. And 45% responded that they had experienced such comments coming from someone they considered a friend.
I asked the participants how they dealt with this situation.
“I tried to discuss how what was said to me was hurtful, and that I didn’t want it to happen again, however he argued that I shouldn’t have antagonised him to begin with, so I removed him from my circle of friends.”
“At first, I believed that I could just laugh it off and thought that if I laughed with them, it wouldn’t be that deep. But at some point, one of my friends reminded me that I shouldn’t have to tolerate with it and to assert my boundaries about what I feel comfortable with. Sometimes when a person I know will attempt to be negative towards me about my identity I just remind them with a calm tone that it’s not cool. If they ignore this, then I decide to cut them off completely.”
Have these experiences scared/deterred you from using text/voice chat? Or playing competitively?
89% of the responses said yes, explaining that they would stop playing competitively to save themselves from mental distress. The other 11% said “no but once in a while it makes me sad.”
What are examples of things that have been said to you online?
(TW: The following section may include disturbing content. Please skip over if this makes you uncomfortable.)
“Being told I would be found and assaulted – once asked if watching another player made me aroused (but in more explicit words) – asking how much it would take for me to sleep with them.”
“Go back to the kitchen fat ugly whore fat bitch go make me a sandwich you sound like you have herpes, you’re a dumb thot boosted e-girl. A lot of rape/SA threats”
“I have been said we are losing a game cause I’m a woman. I’ve heard the n-word/f-word several occasions… Some extremely transphobic insults I’ve had people yell at me for being a girl I’ve had people troll me and threw damaging util at me. They’ve blocked my vision, so I couldn’t shoot. People tell me to go to the kitchen all the time. They ask me if I’m boosted cause I’m a higher rank. I’m constantly made insecure about how I play the game by making comments. Then on the other side its people harassing me for my snapchat and wanting to flirt with me. I got called names as sweetheart, darling and babe by friends and strangers.”
“When I was playing CSGO I would be told to stay in the kitchen (especially because that was a callout in some of the maps.) If I spoke in VC I would be immediately bombarded with questions about my age and whether I wanted a boyfriend etc.”
“If I were to be playing not so well, then a teammate would make comments such as ‘This is why women shouldn’t play games’ “
Do you have any advice for other women and non-binary gamers who experience negative comments whilst gaming?
“At the end of the day, you’re playing these games for fun. If you aren’t having fun, re-evaluate why that is. It’s ok to stop playing a game for a bit. But it’s equally ok to mute a chat because it’s getting too much and just focusing on your own gameplay. It’s easy to let other’s comments get to you, but at the end of the day, how much do their opinions really matter? You know yourself – have confidence in that x”
“Don’t let it stop you from enjoying the game! It’s tough and you will run into negative moments, but there are always positives in the form of nice people who make it fun to play online.”
“Please don’t let anyone else’s words deter you from doing what you enjoy. You don’t have to take gaming seriously and can-do things at your own pace.”
“There will always be a community that will gather and support you through these negative moments and it’s always growing so one day these negative moments will happen less.”
“Try to not let anything get to you personally, stay confident and strong x”
“Keep going, don’t let men stop you. People are going to talk down on you, might as well out frag them to make them sit. Other than that, focus on the good side. There are so many good and fun people to play with luckily.”
“Block the haters and don’t let it ruin your experiences because they don’t know you as a person and they just want to put their anger onto someone.”
“You do you. At the end of the day, in most cases those that make the negative comments are just people hiding behind a screen and you it’s likely to be a passing moment in your life. So, we should just have fun in playing the games that we like.”
Do you recommend any women or non-binary content creators?
“I like to watch Yinsu when she streams, otherwise I try to stay up to date in the VCT Game Changer community”
“Starriebunnie, ploo and friends. I like to keep up with friends that play games and chat with them. I love seeing higher elo women play to improve myself and how see how good they are.”
“Kyedae, Luminum, offline tv females. I love seeing female gamers play games and their audiences are typically lovely to be a part of.”
The following section is about The PACK, the women and non-binary esports community set up at Warwick University.
What has your experience with The Pack been like?
“I’ve really loved community game nights and finding other non-men to play with. I don’t have enough friends at university who aren’t men due to my course and I’m a little bad at making friends.”
70% of the responses said that The PACK has provided a safe and comfortable environment for them.
What do you think could be changed/improved at Warwick Esports to make it more accessible to women and non-binary players?
“More excitement towards comps for women and non-binary people. Better planning of socials and generally a more welcoming community would be good. It’s intimidating talking on the general esports server due to the size and disparity.”
“Maybe more integration, it’s great to have The PACk as a separate group because we all feel safe and comfortable but for widespread change to be made across Esports the whole society needs to have ‘exposure’ to women and non-binary gamers.”
“I think there should be more effort in trying to advance the skill level of the NUEL teams or have some kind of coaching.”
Now you are at a point in your life where you are no longer “friends,” with those boys who treated you like that. Or perhaps this article has made you realise what you should tolerate and what not. And perhaps it will take a few more years to finally find people you share a mutual respect with. But it shouldn’t have to take that long.