It’s impossible to pinpoint the exact reason why some of us dread calling home. Maybe it’s the fear that somehow our parents have devised a plan to telepathically transmit chores or a To Do List into our lives. Perhaps one bad conversation with a parent would remind us of the reason why we couldn’t wait to move away from home in the first place. Maybe it’s simply that there isn’t a strong relationship present, and never was. As a compulsive homebody, I probably call home more often than the average college student (way, way more often). But I’m happy to say, through these phone calls, my relationship with my mom has finally become what I’ve always wanted it to be. Instead of simply spending your time in college trying to escape the will of your parents, consider it a time of healing for your relationship: a time of growth.
When you lived at home, there was always time for meaningless arguments and (admit it) unnecessary back talk. College has provided distance within your relationship that has ultimately eliminated these tensions, leaving room for something more substantial.
Common Ground: Many of us think we are “the complete opposite” of our parents. However, the more you share with your parents, the more likely you’ll find things you have in common. Expect to answer lots of questions, but also consider asking some. Parents have stress, responsibilities, and – believe it or not – social lives, too. Expressing genuine interest in their lives makes it easier to find some common ground, which, in turn, makes the conversation less scripted and more driven.
Appreciation: Living apart establishes a newfound level of mutual appreciation for each other. As students, we begin to appreciate the little things our parents have done for us, from home cooked meals to folded laundry. At the same time, parents begin to appreciate the big things we’re accomplishing, from taking strides toward our career goals to even just folding our own laundry. Resist the urge to mention your ‘need’ for more food dollars; consider just saying, “Thank you, Mom,” or “I really appreciate it, Dad.” Oftentimes, there doesn’t even have to be a specific reason for showing gratitude, which is something that – unlike food dollars – never expires.
Honesty: You’ve got to be willing to have difficult, sometimes even uncomfortable, conversations to reach new depths within the relationship you have with your parents. Speak to them with honesty and transparency regarding who you are, how you’re feeling, and where you’re headed. Talk about fears, curiosities, confusion, mistakes. While it is nerve-racking to submit yourself to such moments of vulnerability, you must remember that your parents sent you to college to discover these components of yourself. They want to hear about your findings; they want to meet the person that you’ve become.
We cannot confuse independence with detachment. It can be easy to get caught up in the pretense of ‘living on our own’ while at school. Sure, we can go to parties without our parents’ permission, but would we even be in college in the first place if it weren’t for our parents’ moral and financial guidance?
In reality, independence is not about never needing your parents; it’s about recognizing when you do.
And maybe, just maybe, they need you, too.
*Cover image from huffingtonpost.com