Being a Wake Forest betch might seem like an easy task. Throw on a Barbour jacket and some leggings, and you’re good to go, right? Wrong. While the Barbour may seem like the answer, being a betch is far more about what’s on the inside than on the outside. And when I say inside, I mean what you have on inside that jacket, obvi. Many people who are uncultured in or unaware of the betch lifestyle make the common mistake of synonymously pairing ‘betch’ and ‘sratstar.’ I’m sorry, but wherever this mistaken idea came from is a crock of you-know-what. Do you really think betches are nice enough to let others into their prestigious posse, and let alone to do it within a seven-day period known as ‘recruitment?’ Yeah right. Betches are born, not made. Fortunately for you, I am here to guide you through the ins and outs of being a Wake Forest betch.
1. Wake Forest Betches don’t study past the 4th floor of the ZSR. The best part of a being a betch is being seen and heard, and neither of those things can be done beyond the 4th floor: a) Because the 6th floor is silent, and b) The 5th floor cubicles severely lack outlets, efficient design, and attractive people. Speaking of the library, if you leave Starbucks with a drink containing less than 5 adjectives in its title, you are sooo not a betch.
2. Wake Forest Betches don’t drink punch. But really. While betches are concerned about caloric intake to a point, the bigger deal here is that punch is for freshmen who don’t have access to better alcohol and don’t know enough people of the male gender to skip the beer line. Punch is nasty and floating with dip spit and backwash. And probs drugs. Plus, if you don’t have the social skills to make it past the hordes of clingers and groupies, then you don’t deserve that Busch Light anyway.
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3. Wake Forest Betches go to Last Resort Thursdays.Part of a betch’s lifestyle is getting classily drunk to the point where you still look hot, but can also make bad life decisions. That’s where Last Resort comes in. If you’ve never gotten a free drink token from Cowboy, then you should just stop reading now. This bad*ss bouncer loves the ladies, and from what I’ve seen, doesn’t discriminate based on looks or age, so you know it must be bad if he’s never looked your way. Some more advice? Don’t spend more than 20 minutes in the women’s bathroom at any given time—drink your watered-down alcoholic beverage, have a cry sesh on the couch, and then get out of there. Don’t dance on the stripper pole. Stripping is for townies. You will look desperate and your hotness will decrease with each motion up and down that awful pole. Don’t grind-girl on-girl. Unless you actually make out, guys think it’s weird.
4. Wake Forest Betches wear boots. Sure those Tory Burch flats may have been expensive as your spring break vacay, but what did they give you? Comfort, stubby legs, and zero sex appeal. Just add a cardigan and you’re well on your way to “Mom of the Year.” Boots elongate your legs, go great over spandex leggings (which every betch owns), and make you look less like less of a prude. Three attractive qualities. The fact of the matter is, in a betch’s world, it’s hotness over comfort, and flats don’t make the cut.
5. Wake Forest Betches don’t walk on the treadmill. You people know who you are. First of all, you should be embarrassed that you take up one of the Miller Center’s three working treadmills to do exactly what you could do on any sidewalk around campus. It’s too cold outside, you say? Well, maybe if you ran, you might actually work up a productive sweat and not be a nuisance to the fitness-obsessed campus, but rather a fellow comrade in the war against lard. One more thing, if you wear soffees at the gym, I judge you.
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6. Wake Forest Betches sit at high-tops. We all know that exclusivity is the name of Wake’s game—even Aramark is on board. The high-tops of the Pit are the loitering grounds of Wake’s betch class, commanding their thrones while looking down upon the plebeians in the sandwich line. Now and then, when those non-betches who are on a date with their ThinkPads, have the nerve to sit down … alone … at a high top, a Wake betch will usually loiter and glare until their less attractive nemesis dethrones. While joining the Mathletes may have been social suicide to Damien (if you don’t get this reference, God help you), taking a seat in the depths of the Pit, near the pineapple-infused water, is worse. I mean, you might as well just start wearing army pants and flip flops. So not fetch.
7. Wake Forest Betches don’t talk about their feelings on social media. They just don’t.
While my advice may seem harsh, it is no harsher than the crap fratstars post about you on their listserves or what non-betch girls say behind your backs … out of jealousy, of course. If you’re depressed after reading this … sorry? Put on some comfortable flats, climb to the 8th floor of the ZSR, and sulk about your life as a non-betch. If you fit all of the betch criteria, keep up the good work, and continue to exemplify Wake Forest’s teeming diversity. Cheers, betches.
*Photography by Morgan Harbert
**Please keep in mind that this article is sarcastic! We at HC don’t mean any of this seriously. The ‘betch’ tone/mentality is inspired by the popular ‘betch’ term!