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Everything a Girl Needs to Know about the Super Bowl

Alright ladies, here’s the deal. There is nothing I hate more than patronizing articles about how girls can relate to their men at Super Bowl parties by talking about which color jerseys they like more or which team has the cutest guys.

So instead of an article linking you to pictures like this (I couldn’t resist) and encouraging you to pick your winning team based on overall attractiveness, this article gives you a few basic things you need to know about the big game and you can just use your charm to win over the men. One comment about the pass interference on a big play, and you’ll have everyone in the room believing you’re the next Erin Andrews.

  1. Involved parties: Fairly obvious question, I know. But for the less football-inclined of us, this is very important. The gold and black people, those are the Steelers. Their quarterback is Ben Rothlisberger. No he didn’t get officially arrested for sexual assault, but yes, it is completely acceptable to make a comment about him being a chauvinist pig. The green and gold team is the Packers. They’re from that really cold place above the Arctic Circle that some people refer to as the state of Wisconsin.
  2. Why it is important: This is Super Bowl XLV. Enough said. It is easily the most watched annual sporting event in our country. 97,000 tickets have been sold for the game on Sunday in Dallas at the Cowboys Stadium and everyone who is anyone in this country will be there. It’s not just a football game, ladies, it is a cultural phenomenon.  So even if you really only intend to watch it for the commercials, glance at the game every now and then because it speaks volumes about our society.
  3. Flags: This is the best way to act like you really know what you’re talking about. Whenever you see a yellow piece of cloth on the field, make some underhanded comment about how it must be ‘holding on the offense.’ 97 percent of the time, that guess will be right. Trust me on this one. It works every time.
  4. Hair: I don’t recommend making a comment about this during the actual game, but take a look at Clay Matthews and Troy Polamalu and decide for yourself which guy has more split ends. I personally can’t even fathom the amount of shampoo needed in those two households.
  5. Who will win: Here is the one fact you need to drop at least once during the game. The Packers, who are the favorites in this game, have won all four of the previous Super Bowls in which they were the favored. Long story short: it looks good for Green Bay.
  6. So bust out the snacks, enjoy the commercials, ignore the fact that your boyfriend is wearing a huge slice of Swiss cheese on his head (Packers fans are commonly referred to as “Cheeseheads” because of these heinous creations but also because the cold weather erodes their brains), and enjoy what has the makings of an entertaining and hard fought game. And please, for the sake of girls around the world and our credibility, don’t make a comment about how football pants make all the guys’ butts look really cute.
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