The balance no one masters
College is supposed to be the time when you “find yourself.” You’re figuring out who you are outside of your hometown, choosing classes that might shape your career, building new friendships, and learning to survive on your own. But in the middle of all that self-discovery, there’s sometimes also love. The late night texts, the “good morning” messages, the excitement of someone choosing you in a sea of new faces. It sounds romantic, doesn’t it? But here’s the catch: it’s nearly impossible to find yourself and someone else at the same time without things getting messy. Balancing connection and independence is something no one truly masters.Â
There’s also this unspoken rule that once you get to college, you’re supposed to start “adulting,” especially when it comes to relationships. On social media, it looks like everyone else already has it figured out, and this leads us to compare ourselves to those who seem to have found both love and stability, as if being single means being behind. The truth is, no one has it all figured out. Some people lose themselves in the process of trying to look like they do.
When you’re still figuring out who you are, it’s easy to get swept up in someone else’s version of you. You change little things, your clothes, your routine, your priorities, because you want to fit into their life so perfectly that you forget to make space for your own. Sometimes it’s not even intentional, you’ve muted parts of yourself that didn’t fit the relationship. But, healthy love isn’t about blending into one identity, it’s about building two whole ones that grow alongside each other. The right kind of relationship makes space for individuality. It challenges you to become more of yourself. You learn that love doesn’t have to mean losing independence, it can mean sharing your journey while still owning it.
There’s a reason so many college relationships end, not because people stop caring, but because they start growing. You learn new things about yourself every semester, and the things you once needed from a partner might change as you become more self-aware. Sometimes, you outgrow people, and that doesn’t mean the relationship failed. It might have been exactly what you needed to understand what love looks like for you. Every relationship, even the ones that don’t last, teaches you a little more about who you are becoming.
How to Navigate Love While Finding Yourself
So what if you are in a relationship, and you truly want to make it work while still figuring yourself out? It’s possible, but it takes effort and honesty from both people.
1. Communicate openly, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Tell your partner what you’re working on within yourself. Let them know that your need for space or reflection isn’t rejection, it’s growth. The more transparent you are, the less room there is for misunderstanding.
2. Keep your own life alive.
Have things that are just yours, your friends, your hobbies, your routines. Independence isn’t disconnection, it’s balance. When both people have full lives outside the relationship, you bring more to the connection instead of draining it.
3. Support each other’s evolution.
People change, especially in college. The healthiest relationships make room for that change instead of resisting it. Encourage each other’s goals, even if they don’t always align perfectly. Growth shouldn’t feel like a threat.
4. Accept that love and self-discovery will sometimes pull you in different directions.
There will be moments when you need to focus on yourself, to rest, to rethink, to realign. That doesn’t mean the relationship has to end. It just means you’re learning how to make space for two evolving people instead of two static ones.
5. Remember: you can choose both.
You don’t have to pick between love and yourself. The goal is not to find someone who completes you, but someone who understands that you’re still in progress and wants to walk beside you anyway.
We talk about self-love and growth like they’re checkboxes as if one day we’ll wake up and finally be “healed” or “complete.” But self-discovery isn’t a straight line. It’s a cycle of learning, unlearning, and learning again. And sometimes, that happens while you’re holding someone else’s hand. So if you’re dating while finding yourself, it’s okay if you don’t always get it right. You’re not behind, you’re simply growing. Because the truth is, no one has it figured out. We’re all just learning how to be loved while still growing into our best selves.