Far too often, sexual assault as a whole is overlooked. Cover-ups used to justify actions that would otherwise be unjustifiable consist of calling rape regrettable but consensual sex, saying girls are being over-dramatic or untruthful, and saying they are just seeking attention or revenge. In today’s society, women are beginning to speak up about past sexual assault or harassment they have endured, and why they have chosen to stay quiet. One topic that isn’t being discussed as heavily, however, is the concept that sexual assault can still occur in a committed relationship.
When two people engage in a relationship, there is an unspoken promise of emotional and physical exclusivity. Yet, this does not mean partners are obligated to perform sexual acts with each other. Sex is an act which requires the consent of both partners, whether the two are in a formal relationship or strangers at a party.
Consent is not automatically granted when someone agrees to be your girlfriend or boyfriend. Consent is not automatically granted if you’ve had sex with the person before. Consent is never automatically granted.
I recently interviewed a current Virginia Tech student who had been sexually assaulted while in a relationship with her previous boyfriend. In order to spread awareness on the issues involved with rape in relationships, she agreed to an interview with me. However, at the request of the survivor, all names in this interview have been changed.
In the Spring of 2016, Emily was beginning her sophomore year of high school when she was introduced to Ryan by one of her teammates. While Emily was still adjusting to high school, Ryan was a Senior — a fact which originally excited Emily.
When we met I was like, “‘This is it. This is going to be my high school experience.’ You know? Dating an older boy, (in high school) it’s super exciting,” Emily stated.
As time went on the two became almost inseparable. The constant attention from her new boyfriend left Emily high on love. She began devoting all her time to Ryan, but that meant she started neglecting others who were close to her. This neglect was not by choice, however. Instead, Ryan would make Emily feel guilty for spending time with anyone besides himself.
“He became very controlling,” said Emily. “He wanted control over who I was hanging out with, what I was wearing, what I was doing.”
Ryan’s need to be with Emily at all times would later lead to her constantly apologizing for doing any activity independently, as well as withdrawing from family and friend oriented relationships. Blind to the isolation Ryan was forcing her into, Emily continued dating him and their relationship developed.
During her junior year, Ryan expressed his desire to take their relationship one step further and have sex. Uncomfortable with his suggestion, Emily shrugged it off. His constant badgering and sexual requests, however, left Emily feeling extremely guilty. As his girlfriend, Emily felt obligated to keep Ryan happy, even if that meant putting his wants before her own comfort.
In order to make Ryan happy, Emily agreed to have sex with him. It became a regular activity for the two of them, as sex is in most relationships nowadays. As time progressed, however, Ryan voiced a new request.
“One day he said ‘I want to try anal,’ and I replied, ‘I do not want to do that,’ but he just kept saying, ‘Let’s do it. Let’s do it. It’ll be fun. I promise that you’ll love it.’”
Due to the immense amount of pressure Emily felt from her boyfriend, she eventually agreed to his request. When the time came to finally try, however, Emily changed her mind and was vocal about her change in decision.
“When he was about to … do it … I said ‘No.’’ stated Emily, “It was soft at first, but then I got louder, until I was screaming ‘No!’ But he just grabbed me and held me down.”
Despite Emily’s screams, Ryan proceeded to force his penis inside her.
“I didn’t want it. I knew I didn’t want it,” said Emily. “I started crying. And it hurt — it was a pain I’d never felt before. Because it wasn’t only physical, it was mental.”
It wasn’t until after he had finished that Ryan released Emily from his grasp and realized what he had done. Immediately afterward, Ryan became very defensive, convincing Emily that she did want it, despite saying no. When she continued to tell him that she did not want to do anal — that the sexual act he had just performed on her was not consensual — he became violent.
“I told him, ‘I didn’t want that,’ and he said, ‘Yes you did. You said yes,’ but when the time came, I was saying no,” said Emily. “And that’s when he hit me. Straight across the face.”
Emily went home and tried to forget the trauma she had just endured. Hiding the memory of her assault in the back of her mind, convincing herself that it wasn’t an assault at all.
“I told myself ‘Oh, he just wanted to have sex.’ and ‘It was my fault for saying no. I should’ve have been more fun. I should have gone along with it because he wanted it.’” said Emily.
Emily never reported the assault, and at the time, she never told her parents or friends. Afraid that they may call the police or pressure her to break up with Ryan (two things she did not want at the time), she kept the attack a secret from everyone.
During her senior year of high school, Emily ended her relationship with Ryan and the two have not spoken since. Now a sophomore at Virginia Tech, Emily has come to terms with the fact that she was assaulted by her boyfriend — a fact she denied for almost two years. Unfortunately, she still runs into her ex-boyfriend Ryan, who is a current junior at Virginia Tech.
Today, Emily feels she has reached a place where she can talk about her assault without crying or feeling panicked. She is dating an amazing guy who treats her properly, and, in her own words, treats her in, “a way I’ve never been treated before.”
“I’m not the same person I was,” Emily states, “but through therapy and reflection, I’m pretty close.”
When asked if she had any final words, Emily said this: “I never thought it was going to be me, but it was. And honestly, it’s possible that it hasn’t been the last time.”
“If somebody feels they are in an unsafe situation, always get help.” She continued, “It doesn’t have to be from your parents because I realize that can be scary, but even if friends notice something, get help.”
“Oh, and remember, it’s never your fault.”