Freshman year: a blessing and a curse. The first year of college is the trial period. More times than not, it becomes a horrific stream of trial and error. Personally, I have experienced more misfortune in this year than I have in my whole life. In the spirit of this infamous year coming to an end, I asked a few girls to reveal their lowest point of freshmanhood. After all, there’s no better way to recover from embarrassment than turning your pain into a hysterical story.
The Flat Tire
“I rode my bike to Kroger one night for groceries, and about one mile in it started raining. After filling my backpack with groceries, I went out to my bike and the tire was as flat as a pancake. It was so flat that it wouldn’t even roll. Distraught and pissed off, I carried it the whole 2 miles home in freezing ice rain. 90% of the trek was uphill and I sliced my calves on the petals. Needless to say, I have not used my bike since.”
Broke and Afraid
“With a month left of first semester, I had no money on my debit card, no dining dollars and no money on my hokie passport to print my assignments or wash my clothes. All I ate for three days was cheerios and minute rice. I lost six pounds in two weeks and spent my free-time taking naps to forget how hungry I was.”
The Faulty Umbrella
“I once walked to class in freezing ice rain with watery eyes because of the mountainous wind. My feet were numb and tingly in my sneakers because I don’t own rain boots. My hand were swollen and purple from holding up my umbrella. Suddenly, it flipped inside out, flew out of my hands, and hit a really short girl in the face behind me. I would’ve caught it but my hands moved in slow motion due to frostbite. I think she started crying, but my eyes were so watery and I ran away too fast to tell.”
An iPhone Nightmare
“I was in the trunk of a DD one night after a party, and the driver told me to move into the empty passenger seat once two girls left. Once we pulled up to an apartment complex to let a group out, a girl crawled to my seat and handed me my phone face-down saying ‘I think you left this in the back.’ I set it down for a second, flipping it over to check the time. The screen was smashed and the entire phone was bent. As soon as my eyes connected to my brain, I see her sprinting away in the distance, and laughing with her friends.”
The Last Supper
“My mom put $15 on my dining dollars and I had a rough day, so I decided to treat myself to some West End pasta. I went to the counter and was handed a bowl of soaking wet boiled noodles. When I told them they forgot my sauce, to drain the noodles, and that I ordered it to go, they proceeded to tell me that they were closing. So I sat alone eating a bowl of noodle cereal while the workers cleaned up around me.”
The Failed Composite
“I totally forgot about my sororities composite pictures until 30 minutes beforehand when I got a reminder notification. I had just come back from the gym and frantically tried to splatter on some makeup and dry shampoo my greasy hair. After sprinting all the way to squires, the photographer had me immediately sit in the chair and put on the drape. He sat me down to discuss prices and proceeded to say: ‘I’ll edit out the beads of sweat and try to make your nostrils less flared, you must’ve been in a rush!’” Somehow he still managed to coerce me into buying two 8x10s.”
Mass Snap Gone Wrong
“My gastrointestinal system constantly fails me, so I like to keep my friends posted on my progress. One day while walking to the gym, I accidentally sent a snapchat explaining my bowel movements (or lack thereof) to a fellow hokie of the male gender. Seconds after realizing my mistake, I made direct eye contact with him across the gym. He shouted “Yo! You good?” I responded by pretending I couldn’t hear him and ran up the stairs in a panic. Approximately 5 minutes after this encounter, I received a ‘wyd tonight’ text from this poor confused young man. Idk how I managed to escape that one…”
The Snowstorm
“One day I was casually walking from Lane Stadium to my dorm in a snowstorm against the wind. In hand I had a 12 pack of activia and and gallon of milk. I suddenly caught sight of an unidentifiable men’s sport team and quickly covered my face in my hood fur to avoid confrontation. Im guessing my fur was too ferocious, because I managed to walk head first into a man from said sports team. My bulk activia fell from my gloved hand as I shuffled past. The teammates proceeded to chuckle. I’ve never hated myself more than in that single unfortunate moment.”
Worse than a Walk of Shame
“The day of fall bid day for fraternities, they literally covered every door of my dorm hall. However, being my naive freshman self, I had no idea this was happening. Until, I walked through the doors into hundreds of blazer-wearing fraternity brothers shouting and shoving each other. Once they realized that I was not the guy they called down, they all started laughing. I was horrified, confused and in a panic so I tried to pull the doors back open. Realizing that I would have to key back in, I ran through the crowd and tried to cover my face so no one would recognize me. Needless to say, I have never been back to that fraternity.”
The Hit and Run
“Whenever I can’t catch a ride from my roommate, I walk to Sun Tan City for a quick tan. One night while making my lonely uphill climb on South Main, I heard a shrill scream coming from a black Audi just ahead of me. All of the sudden, I WAS STRUCK BY A FULL 7-11 BEVERAGE FROM THE PASSENGER WINDOW AS THE CAR PROCEEDED TO SPEED AWAY. I looked down and my right leg was soaked in sticky fluid. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this damage. I spent the remainder of my night evaluating my life decisions.”
Between the microwavable ramen, late night fire drills, unairconditioned dorm rooms and lack of comfortable transportation, freshman year is both the best and worst year of college. It seems like just yesterday that I was drenched in sweat, shipping masses of my belongings from a jam-packed SUV into an empty dorm room. To be completely honest, this year would not have been the same without the horrendous contemplation of unfortunate events. If I’ve learned anything at all, it’s that bad times turn into good times when you can laugh about them with your friends.