A few weeks ago, while procrastinating my homework, I came to a horrifying realization: I am about to graduate college.
While some of my friends are counting down the days until graduation, I have never felt more scared in my life. To be honest, the thought of post-graduate life legitimately keeps me up at night. It has been the monster hiding under my bed for three years, and now the monster stares at me while I sleep.
Dramatic imagery aside, becoming a senior in college has brought me some of the scariest anxiety that I have ever experienced. Everyone talks about senioritis but no one really talks about the senior-scaries–or why they are so scary.
While driving back to school this year I felt nothing but excitement. I was excited to see my friends, excited to drink like a madwoman, and excited for a lighter course load. Senior year seemed like a breeze. However, about a month into this semester I learned that it’s not the classes or the schedules that make senior year so difficult– it’s the feeling of the future breathing down your neck. And it’s a feeling that is almost impossible to ignore.
Each week my friends go to career fairs, accept job offers, search for places to live post-grad, and become more excited to take on adulthood. As someone who has no idea where the future will toss me, I become more and more nervous every day. The question is no longer “what do you want to be when you grow up?” it’s “what are you doing next year?” Sure, I’m not happy with the idea of paying my own cell phone bill, but I’m more concerned about what on earth I am going to do with my life.
While the idea of life after college is terrifying, I have to constantly remind myself that life has only just begun. We don’t have to know what we want as soon as we walk across the stage. We don’t have to know our life’s purpose right after graduation. And we certainly don’t have to sign our lives away at the age of 22. This is the only time in our lives when we have no one to worry about but ourselves, and no one’s happiness to focus on but our own.
After two full weeks of self-loathing, I refuse to spend the next six months whining over ‘lasts’ and succumbing to the senior-scaries. Rather than letting thoughts of the future clutter our minds, we need to focus on enjoying our lives as college students and savoring every last second at school. A few years from now we will long for the days of skipping class for happy hour, pulling all-nighters at the library, and worrying about the unknown.
College has been the best and worst few years of my life, and I have adored every second of it. I always describe college as a stepping stone into adulthood, but I have never sat back and reflected on my own progress. Throughout my time at school I have unknowingly become the strongest, smartest, most independent version of myself. While I may not want to accept the future, I have never been more ready to take it on.
Here’s to six months of self-growth and lifelong memories!