When the leaves begin to turn from green to crimson and the weather gets cold enough to pull out your favorite jacket from its lonely retirement in the back of your closet, you know that Halloween season is peering around the corner. For many people, the spooky season means dressing up as iconic characters, endless amounts of candy and horror movie marathons.
The spooky season is undeniably fun and festive, yes, but behind every Halloween mask is a real person with intense stories to tell.
I was a freshman in college when this particular story of mine occurred. I never considered myself an overly-confident person, but like many other freshmen, I entered college with an air of invincibility wafting around me. Craving three scoops of double chocolate chip ice cream at eleven at night? That was no problem because Deets was only a few steps away from my dorm. Feeling like going on midnight adventures by strolling through downtown Blacksburg on a school night? Why not? The night always feels young in college. I felt like I could do anything. My parents weren’t watching over me and I virtually had no curfew. It was just me against the impossible — if there even was an impossible.
On this night around October, I was walking back home from a session of late night shenanigans on the academic side of campus. I remember how the sharp wind would cut my face during my trek across the drillfield. I didn’t pay any attention to the pain of the October breeze, however, for this added to my sense of invincibility. Not even an ounce of fear was in me; I was as familiar with walking down the drillfield at night alone as I was walking on it in full daylight on my way to class.
From a young age, I’ve always felt a sense of contentedness that came with being alone. If there’s one thing that I wish more people understood, it’s the concept of being alone versus being lonely. Alone time is essential in molding yourself into an individual in the story that is your life. This isn’t to discredit the time I spent surrounded by my loved ones; I value my “me-time” just as much. I’ve always done a good job controlling the balancing act that is my ambiverted nature, so I never even considered questioning the purpose of my precious alone time.
My regular nighttime journeys across the drillfield my freshman year were one way that I indulged in my alone time. I cherished this time alone where I felt safe surrounded by the green of the drillfield and invisible to the rest of the world due to the fog slowly traveling through the air. Everything changed on this particular night, however, when I realized in a split second that the drillfield was not as safe and not as secure, as I thought it was.
I was being followed.
A stranger. I was no stranger to listening to stories about these incidents.
A stranger. I was a stranger to this kind of scary occurrence.
Suddenly, I remembered all of the precautionary warnings my mom had given me on the day I moved in. Questions surged through my mind and regret escaped my body in the form of hot tears. Why hadn’t I listened to her? Why was I alone? Was I actually as invincible as I thought I was?
This incident caused me to reflect on my life choices and morales. Laughing is my go-to coping mechanism. Every time I tell this story I laugh loudly as if I’m saying, “This was no big deal and I don’t have to talk about it with anyone and I’m okay.” The truth is, this was a big deal. I wanted to talk to someone. And I definitely was not okay. I was afraid of walking by myself and even being by myself. The safety of my alone time was stripped away from me and I was left with nothing to recharge my mind, body and soul with. This is what loneliness felt like.
However, I was able to think deeply about what my alone time meant. Through healthy discussions with close friends and mentors I realized the root of my desire for alone time stemmed from my inability to let people in. It was quite the shocking revelation as I had never even thought deeply about my alone time prior to this incident. There’s a saying that goes along the lines of “me against the world,” and for the longest time I actually believed that it was truly only me against the great and vast world. However, every protagonist comes with side characters that are instrumental in character development. Alone time is important, yes, but so is letting people into your life and allowing them to be present in it.
The Drillfield still waits longingly for my return. I don’t know when — or if — I’ll ever come back at night time alone. I do know one thing for sure though: I’ll never have to walk alone again.
All GIFs from GIPHY