If someone were to ask me what self-love is, my answer would be simple. Self-love is valuing yourself. We treat the things and people we value with care, attention and respect. Ourselves should be included. While my answer for the definition of self-love is simple, the process of reaching it is not. The journey to self-love is a constant one. It is filled with highs and lows, progress and setbacks, and revelation and pain. Even though I am still on this journey to self-love, I have come a long way from where I was four years ago. I have learned to extend myself grace, embrace all of who I am, and trust the whole process.
Extending Myself Grace
Perfectionism is destructive. You find yourself chasing after something that doesn’t even exist. Nothing you did, nothing you do, and nothing you ever will do are good enough. I found myself trapped in this cycle for quite some time. The fear of not measuring up in my eyes and in the eyes of others terrified me. I tore at myself with negative self-talk, hateful thoughts and bubbling anxiety. My pursuits of perfection manifested themselves in an eating disorder and panic attacks. I thought I wasn’t smart enough, pretty enough or talented enough, and I was scared that people would think those things too. My life became a performance at times. All I found myself doing was striving, grinding and then crying.
It wasn’t until a conversation with one of my friends that I finally began to even think about extending myself grace. One of my friends had been struggling with low self-esteem. Of course, I was there to comfort and encourage her as friends do. But, it wasn’t until after I drove home that it really hit me. I would speak all of these encouraging words and offer all this warmth, giving all these tokens of advice on self-love to everyone except myself. I felt like a complete hypocrite. There I was telling my friends not to ever say or think those damaging things about themselves, yet I would turn around and do that exact thing to myself. Acknowledging that I was struggling allowed me to begin to heal. Don’t get me wrong, the acknowledgment part is difficult, uncomfortable and even painful. However, that is exactly how we begin to extend ourselves grace. It is okay to not always be okay. The important part is to address that. It is okay to acknowledge that you might be struggling with perfectionism, self-loathing, depression, anxiety or anything else. It is necessary that we extend that grace of not always having to be bright, shimmery lights so we can take the time to work through the tough stuff inside of us.
Embracing All Of Me
Appearances are at the forefront of our society. At times, it seems like social media, television, art and even music have turned life into one big beauty contest — especially for women. This is exactly why representation is so vital. It allows us to see that there is beauty in every age, in every culture and in every person. Being mixed, I oftentimes found myself struggling to find where I fit. I went through phases of not really liking that part of me. This bled into other insecurities. I love Disney movies and Build-A-Bear but would people think I’m childish? I love art and writing but is there a future in those things for me? These thoughts once ran through my mind. I held back so much of myself when I really just needed to let everything in me spillover.
Every single person is exactly how they are supposed to be. Your skin tone, eye color, hair color and texture, height, weight, laugh, interests, passions, talents and experiences are exactly how they are supposed to be. There are no mistakes in who you are. Those features and attributes are what add to the vibrant colors and inspiring stories in our world. Over time, I was able to celebrate all that I am from all parts of my background to all the things that captivate my interest. There is no need to shy away from what you bring to this world; it is greatly needed.
Trusting The Process
At the beginning of high school, I was a very insecure girl who just wanted to feel seen. Now, I have grown into a young woman who knows her value. This doesn’t mean I don’t have days — like us all — where insecurities seep in. But, I am able to stand firm against those doubts and anxieties because I know who I am. I am also blessed to have people in my life who remind me of who I am when I forget. Self-love is a journey that deepens and stretches with each chapter of life. There are new things about ourselves as we pass through different seasons. Even with all that change, one thing remains constant: your value. You are just as valuable in your high’s as you are in your low’s. You also deserve to be valued by those around you. As long as I hold onto the truth that I am valuable, come what may, I will be okay. It may be filled with joy or drenched in pain, but I will be okay. You will be okay.
Your journey is your growth. Celebrate that. Trust that your journey may not always be easy, but it will always be worth it. My journey to self-love has taught me that sometimes you have to be completely emptied in order to be filled back up with the truth. I had to be emptied of every lie I told myself and every toxic behavior towards myself in order to be filled back up with love and appreciation for myself. I am proud of the progress I have made and excited for the road ahead. The journey isn’t perfect, but it sure is beautiful.
