An Open Letter to Him:
I spent some of the best months of my life around you. I looked forward to seeing you each day that summer. I learned to trust you and that crooked smile. When our eyes met from across the room, I felt my insides flip. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
I never thought this could happen to me. I never thought this is how we would end up. I never wanted to think someone was capable of this. I never once questioned your motives. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
One day, one moment can change everything. You taught me that. You taught me to say yes, to embrace new adventures, to keep an open mind. Little did I know what you really meant. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
You broke me inside. You took every single piece of my being, everything that mattered to me, anything you could grab onto and stole it from me. Your charm and charisma kept me from seeing the truth for some time, but you knew exactly what you had done. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
I was fourteen years old when you sexually assaulted me. You took advantage of my innocence and naivety. You stole pieces of me that were never yours to take. You stole years worth of smiles, laughs, and happiness. That moment would never end for me, but you didn’t care. I couldn’t believe this was happening.
For five years now I’ve been trying to understand what you were thinking. Why you did what you did. For five years now I’ve been going over and over what I did wrong. How I could let this happen. For five years now I’ve been in a living hell. Woken up during the night after seeing your face. And those are the good times. Sometimes I’m not woken up at all. I lay there frozen in fear unable to move a muscle. Reliving that moment time and time again. For five years now you’ve consumed my entire life. All my smiles, all my laughs, all the good times I’ve had come back to you. I can’t believe this happened.
As I’ve grown up from the childhood you stole from me I’ve realized a few things. I am strong. No matter how hard you broke me down. No matter the precious moments you’ve stolen from me. I am still here standing. You’ve sent me to hell and back and I still think about you every day, but you don’t own me. With the actions, you hurt me with and the consent that you stole I am still here standing. There are some days where you will still break me down. There are still days I don’t want to get out of bed. There are some days all I want to do is scream and yell, but I am strong. I am allowed to feel the way I do with no apologies and no explanations. I am allowed to hurt even five years later. Most importantly, I am allowed to be happy. I am allowed to find joy. I am allowed to stop and smell the roses. I am allowed to live my life. I may never move on entirely. I may never completely heal. I may continue to struggle from sunrise to sunset. I may still think about you every day, but that is okay. My body is my own and you can never take that from me again. You broke me apart entirely. You shattered my heart and soul. What you did to me is inexcusable and unforgivable. I can’t believe this happened, yet here I am standing on the other side.