When I was nine years old, I was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukemia which is a form of blood cancer. I could tell you about all the cold hospital rooms and the bad food, or the side effects from my medications or how much I really hate needles and while I remember all that stuff and still think it is important to discuss what cancer patients experience, it really isn’t the most important thing.
Nowadays, whenever I try to talk about my experiences, good or bad, people get very uncomfortable, if not completely freaked out. I understand that, I really do, but they’re focusing on the wrong part of everything I have to say. I don’t talk about it because I want pity, I talk about it because I grew and learned from it. Because I learned what I am truly capable of and how strong I can be and, while I never want to have to go through cancer again, I can’t say I didn’t gain anything.
I learned who my true friends are, and yes, it was depressing to see how many people didn’t want to stand by me, but in the end I got to keep the friends that mattered the most and I learned to be more independent, but only to the extent that a nine year old can really be. Nothing too impressive.
I hate needles but I also learned that pain is not something I give in to. The only things that can knock me down are the things I let. I learned to speak my voice and ask for the truth from those closest to me. I learned to smile when it’s hard and how to have fun even when it seems like the universe just won’t let up.
I remember being diagnosed, and sitting on the edge of my hospital bed when my mom came in and explained to me what was happening and what would happen once I underwent treatment. I remember I was scared but mostly upset that I would lose my hair. I focused on that and while maybe that was just something to focus on, losing my battle didn’t seem like an option. It just didn’t fit in my plan of how to come out the other end.
Not to say things really ever went according to plan, particularly towards the end. At the end of my treatment, my original doctor moved away and I was switched to the newbie in the clinic, fresh out of med school. To say the least, she was inexperienced and made a mistake, immediately presuming my new lab numbers to mean I had relapsed instead of simply bounced back from the medications, which is typically something they look for in someone at the end of their treatment.
I ended up losing my hair again from being put on even more medication and had we let it go on long enough, it would have killed me. But my family and I knew something wasn’t right.
In the lead up to being diagnosed, no one believed my pain. Everyone, family and doctors alike, thought I was being dramatic. I looked fine and every doctor declared there to be nothing wrong with me. It wasn’t until I would scream in my sleep that my mom and dad started to see maybe it wasn’t all so fine. Looking back at pictures now, the toll taken on my body is clear, but having seen me everyday, there was no way to know just by looking at me. Turned out my spine was cracked in multiple places and couldn’t heal itself because I was sick. After that, my mom swore she would never not believe me again. It was time to trust our instincts. And so we fought that doctor, and proceeded to fire her.
It gets more upbeat from here, I promise. Don’t get freaked out. These are the realities of talking about chronic and acute disease. It’s not always pretty and things can get pretty rough but it’s worth listening to, or in this case reading about. Someone’s health should never be ignored or swept aside because it’s uncomfortable.
Her replacement had years of experience and was highly revered. She immediately knew I was fully recovered and took me off all my meds. I still remember pouring them down the sink drain and turning on the garbage disposal while wearing my white pajamas with cherries on them.
There comes a point where we are all challenged by something we’re not sure we can handle. When it comes to our health, things can get a little scary. September is blood cancer awareness month and October is breast cancer awareness month. Most people have a connection to cancer in some form or another. But whether it’s you or a family member or a friend, take care of each other. Make sure to go to a physician once a year for a check-up. You’d be surprised how many people don’t do that.
I’m not saying to be a hypochondriac, but it’s okay to be a little concerned about something if you’re not sure what’s happening to your body and it’s okay to ask questions even if you think they’re stupid. There are stupid questions, I won’t lie to you. But if you never ask, how are you supposed to learn? So be bold, and take care of yourself.
