After almost 15 years of having her in my life, I lost my childhood pet cat, Snickers. About two weeks ago was the day I finally had to say goodbye. Since then, my life has been a roller-coaster of emotions and feelings, all bundled into one.
For the first few days, I wasn’t able to think about or bring myself to do anything. Snickers taught me how to be responsible and was there for me at the times I needed someone most. Without having that unconditional love available to me anymore, I knew I had to adjust to how I lived my life without her.
The beginning was really rough. I felt unable to talk about her or even come into my apartment where everything of hers was. I found myself in episodes of crying and screaming because of the overwhelming pain from the hole in my heart. Because that is quite literally what it was: Snickers’ passing felt like a puncture wound that would never heal.
The thoughts and feelings running through my head were so difficult to understand. I felt guilty for having to be the one to choose that it was time, even though I knew it was the right thing to do. There were also the feelings of “what if,” in case she could have bounced back from the illness that was the cause of her steady decline. Overall, I felt like it was my fault that she was gone and no longer with me, which made it even more heart wrenching. Even though saying goodbye was helping her, I felt like I should have done something more.
Since the actual day, the healing time has started. Slowly, my memories of her stopped making me bawl and started making me smile. Now, I want to talk about her and share how she’s always made me feel for my entire life. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still on track for healing, and there are times when I feel so low, and it feels like I lost her all over again.
Since losing one of the first people in my life, I’ve come to the realization that grief is a funny thing. You go back and forth between feeling okay and awful, and I think it’s going to be like for a while. All I know is that she lived an amazing 19 years, and I made sure that she was as happy as she could be. In my mind, every time you lose something your heart gains a new hole. Grief is the scar over those holes, and when they break open, it will forever be bittersweet.