The quiet amplified my lacking sense of self; so I kept a full schedule that always had me around others. I thought I was thriving because I was needed by others and always being social. That was what I was supposed to be doing, right?
Cut to the hours or days when it was just me, myself, and I. I wouldn’t really know what to do with myself; I was without a purpose until someone needed me. Really, I had set up so much of my identity in being there for others. I’m a resident advisor, which involves supporting residents through difficult times to being present in the hall if someone is locked out. I’m Director of Events for my Her Campus chapter, keeping me busy and involved with planning events and team management. I was the “mom” friend, eager to give others advice and listen to their problems. When I wasn’t with others and fulfilling their wants I didn’t know what to do with myself or even who I was. I had tied my identity to the relationships I had with others and not to the relationship I had with myself.
This wasn’t an epiphany I would have until I sat in a therapist’s office sharing how it felt like no one was as invested in me as I was in them and that no one was saying the right things to help me cope with the depressive state I was in. It had been so many months since I was fully present for myself that I had lost my way back.
It was weird in the beginning; really I felt guilty and distant from others. I had to create boundaries and stick to them. I backed off on taking everyone’s issues and trying to solve them, even being the outlet for friends to vent to had to be curbed. I started doing things alone that I used to do with others. Grocery store runs, working out, movie nights all became experiences I shared only with myself. The pandemic kinda forced me to make these changes and follow through with them. I’ve cut back on tweeting and sharing on Instagram. This doesn’t mean I dropped all of my friends and moved to a cottage in the middle of nowhere. I still hangout with and support my friends (mostly virtually these days), am active on social media, and am in all the same organizations and jobs I had before. I’ve just stopped needing others to be around to enjoy a moment and experience life. I am enough for myself.